“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39
Have you ever wondered why you were created? I mean deeply wondered why you exist and what the great purpose of your life is. Either late at night or early in the morning, have you sat in the dark silence and felt the weight of unfulfillment? The fear that you are missing the one thing you were supposed to, the one thing that would make you truly happy, truly fulfilled and truly you. Somehow in those quiet moments your heart becomes its most vulnerable and whispers in your ear an undiagnosed sadness. A feeling that your life is not being lived the way it should be or could be. Luckily, the alarm rings or we fall asleep and life as we have made it continues and the profound sense of doubt, unfulfillment and sadness goes back into hiding and we try to convince ourselves that it was all a figment of our imagination. But the more honest part of ourselves knows better, this life we have created for ourselves leaves an emptiness that is unmistakable.
I created a life for myself—a good life based on responsible decisions, good career goals and Godly morality. Financially, I saved money. I paid off my school loans. I had no credit card debt. Then at the right time when the market was favorable to buyers, I bought my house. It was a huge milestone. I was putting down roots in a community that loved me near a church where the music was worshipful and the preaching was dynamic. I had a beautiful Golden Retriever and a house with a white picket fence. In 2000 I graduated with a Masters in Education and became a leader in my profession. I moved up the ladder and was respected. I was dating good Christian men and waiting on God for my husband. I was a tireless advocate for AIDS orphans and widows. Life was good. I was healthy and lacked for nothing. Yet, at night when my house grew quiet and my mind settled down to sleep, restlessness stepped out of hiding and began to hold court in my head. It threw questions at me that I tried to ignore—What if all this stuff doesn’t make the sadness go away? What if I become incredibly successful and get everything I want and still fill empty inside? Is Jesus really enough? If he is, then why do I feel so restless? Where is the peace? Where is the fulfillment? Why is life like bland oatmeal-boring and predictable? Why is every day the same as the next? Isn’t there something more? What am I missing?
Being raised in the church to have faith and to love God without question, I kept my restlessness a secret. Maybe if I loved God more, or did more for the disadvantaged, or got married; then the restlessness would be satisfied and I would know the peace of God. My faith would be real and I would finally understand why it is so incredibly amazing to know Jesus. I wanted to know that, I desperately wanted to know that. I told God over and over when we were alone that I wanted intimacy with him. I wanted him to take me away and tell me who he had created me to be. I wanted him to tell me how to find a life without the constant restlessness that haunted all my quiet moments. Then like a gentle breeze a thought began to invade my waking moments—“Go to Uganda. I have a story to tell about myself and my people.” There was never any more to this thought or any less. It just kind of lingered on the outskirts of my mind for weeks, until I realized that God was speaking to me—inviting me away with him.
Just like the rich young ruler, I was standing with Jesus asking him how to get life—real life—abundant life. I was telling the Lord all the commandments I had kept. I have never stolen anything, killed anyone, lied in court and to the best of my ability I have loved my parents. I have loved the poor. I give money out of the excess of my abundance. And just like the rich young ruler, I was looking deep into Jesus’ eyes asking why do I still feel like I am missing something? Then Jesus gave me the same invitation to life that he gave him all those years ago, “Get rid of your stuff and come be with me.”
My mind reeled and I felt dizzy. From my first steps and my first words, my culture, my church and my schooling had taught me to be reasonable. To carefully follow wise financial policies, to invest my money for the future, to work diligently and to seek leadership opportunities in my profession. Creating security for myself and those I love is paramount to survival. Decisions must be based in rational thought while weighing the pros and cons of each decision carefully. It is the cardinal American sin to mismanage money and resources by making impulsive decisions without first weighing the options and seeking wise council. I know what the rich young ruler was thinking—Do I follow this wild passionate unpredictable Jesus or do I follow what I have been told since I was born? Do I impulsively give all that I have without a guarentee on the return of my investment—without seeing the 5-year business plan of Jesus’ ministry? Is this a good calculated risk or is it foolish? Still, I knew I couldn’t live with a lifetime of restlessness.
Then one day, my desire to quiet the voices of boredom and unfulfillment gained enough courage to leave it all….well almost leave it all. Somehow, I couldn’t fully shake my upbringing, not even for Jesus. I asked my boss for an unpaid leave of absence. They allowed me to leave for 5 months. Then I rented my house. I gave my dog to my parents and I put all my things in storage. So, last April I left for Uganda with no real plan, other than to let Jesus tell me who he had made me to be and to see if he really could satisfy the demands of my restless heart.
When I arrived, I spent time with my Ugandan friends and I volunteered at some ministries that I had supported in the past. I had no schedule. I didn’t really know what to do each day. Some days I just sat in the Cornerstone office and talked with the staff. I began to wonder if I had made a big mistake. I left everything to sit around and read the Ugandan newspaper? Then one day, Joyce, Cornerstone’s cleaning woman, stopped to talk to me. We liked each other instantly. At the end of the conversation, she asked me to come to her widow’s group and meet her friends. With nothing better to do, I went. What I didn’t realize was that Joyce was ushering me into the life God had created for me.
Over the next few months, I spent time with 120 widows. I went to their homes and heard their incredible stories of survival. I listened as they told me about this beloved savior who loves widows and provides supernaturally for them. I held them when they cried and when they were too sick with HIV to move. I prayed with them and for them. My life became bound with theirs. We fell in love with each other and a deep friendship began. I worshiped with them and we all sang praise to an all-powerful God. I saw them give all they had to Jesus—literally every shilling. “Wouldn’t you give your money to your husband?”; they would say. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of Jesus and the magnitude of the suffering of his beloved, but even more awestruck by the way Jesus met them in their suffering to provide for their needs. I love them and I have loved them.
Suddenly, I was writing. I was letting God pour the words on the paper. His stories were flowing out of me and I was alive. For the first time in my life, I was alive—like an electrical current was running through me. I was created in this moment to tell their stories and to give glory to God through them. I was created to live in friendship and love with these widows. I was created to use my influence and resources to meet their physical needs. It was exhilarating. One night, I lay in bed and realized that it was quiet. There were no voices of restlessness, no voices of sadness, no voices of unfulfillment. There was a new voice, I hadn’t heard it before, but it was singing a sweet song in my spirit. It took me a moment, but I finally recognized it—it was peace. I was a soul at rest. I was a life being lived to the fullest. It was a feeling of doing what you were created to do. I was free and it was glorious!
About a month ago, I returned to my home, my job, my dog, my stuff and my former life. Back in April, I was too scared to come away with Jesus fully, so I set up a safety net. Little did I know that I would come back and regret that I didn’t listen to Jesus the first time. As it turns out, Jesus does know me better than I know myself and he will give you life, real, abundant, unpredictable, fulfilling life. When he tells you how to get it, don’t go half way, don’t drag your feet, don’t trust more in our American culture—fall headlong into it with wild abandon. That freefall is scary as hell, but the letting go doesn’t even compare with the deep, beautiful, all encompassing, joy filled fulfillment that begins to live in every part of your soul. It is a freedom you have never known and one that gives you life where peace sings in the quiet moments.
Don’t be fooled, it is not easy, nor is it one without trouble, but whatever storms come, your soul is grounded. You can live at peace even though the storm rages around you. Thankfully God also told the rich young ruler that anything is possible with God, so I now have another chance to leave it all—really leave it all. I am selling my house. I am getting rid of my stuff. I am giving my dog to my parents. I am leaving my job. This time instead of screaming as I free fall into God’s wildness, I think I will swan dive smiling from ear to ear. For as Jesus said anyone who loses his life for me will find it. I did find it—every delicious part of it. Because what does it profit me to gain the whole world, to gain the life I thought I wanted and lose my soul?
Update on the widows:
The picture above is of the wild beautiful party the widows threw for me before I left. First we cried, held each other and couldn’t even imagine not seeing each other. I was sad in the deepest place and they held me as I cried and I held them as they cried. I am not sure who was comforting who—maybe we were comforting each other. We couldn’t leave like that, so we decided to throw a party. On the Tuesday before I left, I arrived to 100 widows singing. It sounded so beautiful. Then they cheered and danced with me as I arrived. Ruth then took me away from the rest of the women to a small two-room house. There on the bed was the dress I am wearing in the picture above. They had saved all their small shillings to give me this beautiful dress. I cried, I jumped for joy—it was everything at once. Ruth helped me put it on and then I went back to the party. The widows were elated that it fit and began to bring gift after gift up to me. Each gift was a symbol of the love we had for each other. It was almost too much to take it at once. It was a moment of incredible joy and deep love and affection. I tore my heart out to leave. I wasn’t sure I would survive it emotionally, but it was worth the pain.
As for the land, two days ago they visited the land to do final inspection and found something that worried them so they chose not to proceed with that piece of land. Simon also confirmed that this was the case, so they still have the $16,000 and will begin searching for a new piece of land. I talked with one of the widows by phone yesterday and I think it was a good thing to know there was a problem before the land was purchased. Keep praying that God will give them the right piece of land with no issues!!
Once the land is purchased we will be going gangbusters to raise money to build some small simple homes for the widows to live in. Lisa and I have met with several people about the best way to collect donations and at this point we have the opportunity to become a project under Church Development, Inc., my dad’s ministry. Therefore all donations will be given through that organization. Then Church Development, Inc will give the money to Cornerstone who will manage the money for the widows. It seems to be a great system and a great way to provide financial accountability. If you have any questions or wish to support this project please either email me at kari.miller@usfamily.net or Lisatschetter@comcast.net
My Life:
Well, I think after reading my blog, you may have a pretty good idea where I am headed, but just to make things real clear—I am moving my life to Uganda for a while. I am selling my house—anyone interested? I am leaving my job. I am leaving my stuff. I am leaving! My heart is with the widows and with the relationships I have made there. I am hoping to get everything wrapped up by February 1st, but with the housing market the way it is, I am not sure that will happen. Please pray that the house sells quickly!
When I am there, I can live on some savings I have, however, I was also offered an opportunity to sub at the International School there -which is possible to turn into a full time position. One thing I know is that God will provide for me!
I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life! I have never felt so secure with a decision in my life. I finally found my life!!!
Much love,
Kari
