“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalms 71: 20-21
I’ve learned that it takes a tremendous amount of courage to believe in restoration…to believe that you will ever feel comforted again…to believe that you are worth being honored. All the pain that comes…all the troubles that seem to plague your life are all too real and then eventually they are the only things that feel real. They take up residence inside your soul and begin to dictate who you are and what you believe about yourself and somehow you just don’t have the strength to evict them. The bitterness that comes with these troubles slowly poisons your self-esteem. It is then you feel trapped at the bottom of dark pit, but even worse you believe it is your destiny to be there.
It is then your heart begins to wonder what the truth really is…is it the pain that is real or is it the hope of restoration…the promise of healing that is real? If you go by feelings then the pain wins hands down…when you are in constant pain it is the only thing you can think about. If you go by your head, the problems win hands down…if you logically look at the pattern of your life and see nothing but pain and problems, then you must conclude it is real and to be expected. But if you look by faith…by faith in a God that loves you and promises to carry you when you feel weak…then and only then does the glimmer of restoration seem real or even remotely possible. Then you wonder…do I have enough courage to walk by faith and not by sight? Do I have enough courage to evict all my pain, problems and bitterness from my heart?
For the last 20 years, I have prayed for a mate…someone to share my life with…someone to finally see my beauty…someone I could love and who could love me. Yet, all I have experienced is one failed relationship after another. I have been lied to, cheated on, emotionally abused…one man told me that no man would ever marry me because I wasn’t worth the effort. He told me that I was comfortable to have around like an old sock, but not a great beauty anyone would sacrifice anything for or do anything to be with…there just was nothing beautiful, exciting or sexy about me. Recently, I spent 2 years dating a man who told me he loved me only to get me to give him things. I was so blinded by love for him that I didn’t see that he was lying to me. He never really loved me…he loved that I was so easily manipulated. He left me for another woman whom he said was “the real thing,” while I was only a distraction…a means to an end for him. I was left deeply, deeply hurt, humiliated and rejected. So, after 20 long years of deep disappointment, rejection and humiliation…how do I have the courage to believe that there will be any man who will see anything of value in me? How do I believe that I have any beauty that will catch a man’s eye? How do I believe that there are any single men past the age of 30 who are faithful and believe in God’s definition of beauty? How do I believe that I will ever be free of this constant loneliness? When I was 28, somehow I was able to get courageous enough to believe…to have faith in God’s promise of restoration and healing in this painful part of my life, but now at 38…I keep looking inside for the courage to believe it, but it just isn’t there. I want it to be there…I want to evict all the bitterness and the pain from that tender place, but my voice just isn’t loud enough for the pain and rejection to take me seriously. Somehow they just laugh at me and point back to the last 20 years; at that point I just sit back down and sigh.
A couple weeks ago, I shared my pain with Joyce, a dear widow friend. She listened so patiently holding my hand in hers. Then she said, “Come.” I sat down with her on the church steps and looked into her eyes. She simply said, “Let’s pray.” I closed my eyes touched that she would stop everything and pray with me then and there, but not expecting any real change. This hurt is just too tender and too deep. Suddenly, I felt the power of her voice…I even opened my eyes and looked at her. She was speaking with such an authority…with such courage. I was totally taken aback. Her strength radiated out of her face…her jaw set…her expression serious and her hands were gripping mine so tightly. It was then that I heard her say, “…Lake of Fire!” I didn’t catch the beginning of the sentence, but it was clear she was in battle. Quickly, I focused my mind on what she was saying; “You say in your scriptures that it is not right for a man to be alone, so there is a man who is missing this woman. I throw any spirit who would tell her that she is not beautiful or worthy into the lake of fire! In the name of Jesus, I throw any hindrance the evil one would put in the path of that man to find her in the lake of fire! Remove all the evil spoken against her by these other men or pain these other men have caused and throw it into the lake of fire!” I began to cry…here was this widow…this woman who struggled in feeding her family, who struggled in sending her children to school…this woman who knows loneliness and who herself misses the touch of her husband…had somehow gathered the courage to fight the demons of rejection and unworthiness I didn’t have the strength to fight myself. Somehow in relationship…in sharing that deep pain with each other…God provides the courage to evict those bitter things from the soul.
Later that week, I experienced a freedom from that pain that I hadn’t felt in years. I had moments of courage…moments where I felt that I might be beautiful at least to someone somewhere…moments where I didn’t feel that oppressive feeling of rejection and unworthiness. The battle for my heart and my worth is still being fought, but this week God intervened and gave me a small bit of courage. My friend stood up and defended me…she would not let me wither and give in to the bullies in my heart, instead she stood firm, tough and demanded them to leave me alone…and they did. It made a difference. I can’t explain why or give proof, but it was real. Suddenly, faith…the faith to believe that God does heal painful places…the faith to believe that broken things will be restored was real and possible.
That is what is so great about the Dorcas Widows Ministry…we stand with each other and fight the bullies in each other’s hearts. Two weeks ago, I also had the opportunity to be the fighter…to chase the pain from Nabale’s heart. Nabale had been working as a nursery teacher which provided just enough for her to feed and house her children, but suddenly about 3 weeks ago they let her go due to budget restraints. Then within the same week, she found out that the NGO that had promised to sponsor her son, Mark, was also going to close due to loss of funding. She became overwhelmed to the point of despair. Sometimes, too much happens at once and the weight of being a widow just throws you down into a deep dark hole. She wept and wept and couldn’t imagine that anything could change her dire situation. Annet, our sponsorship coordinator, came to me and told me of Nabale’s despair and desperation. We then asked Lisa, Dorcas Widows Sponsorship Coordinator in the US, to find a sponsor for Mark. Then we prayed alongside of Nabale…every widows meeting we grabbed her hand and reminded her that God would restore her and told the bullies of her heart to leave her alone. A short time later, Lisa emailed saying that she had found a sponsor for Mark. Annet rushed to tell Nabale that Mark now had a sponsor and would be returning to school. She was shocked…in fact she was speechless for a moment. I know that moment…when you can’t quite believe that the problem has been beaten…when faith is suddenly real and the problems aren’t. Mark was her major worry and now through that sponsor, God had restored her situation…suddenly what was broken was now healed. That is a lot to take in at once. After being totally speechless, she suddenly began to run mad in all directions screaming, crying, dancing and praising the Lord. The bullies of her heart had told her that her son’s education was over…that she was a bad mother…that she was not worth helping, but God had used her sponsor, Lisa, Annet and I to chase her bullies and to give her healing.
Yes, the troubles we will all have will be many and bitter, but if we let Him, God will restore us, heal us and give us back our honor…not just supernaturally, but through each other. We all have the opportunity to be rescued and to rescue others….we can fight each other’s bullies and give each other the courage to believe that God does love us and that he will restore us.
