Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What do I know about love?

I Saw What I Saw
Performed by Sara Groves

I saw what I saw and I can’t forget it
I heard what I heard and I can’t go back
I know what I know and I can’t deny it

Something along the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I am afraid of and what I know of love

We’ve done what we’ve done and we can’t erase it
We are what we are and it is more than enough
We have what we have but it is no substitution

Something along the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I am made of and what I know of love

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I’m giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something along the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dreams inspire
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I am afraid of …
Your courage asks me what I am made of…
Your courage asks me what I am afraid of and what I know of love and what I know of God.

Album: Tell Me What You Know
*Hear it on itunes!


I love this song by Sara Groves. When I first stumbled across it on itunes, a huge rush of emotion came over me. Have you had that experience? A song suddenly plays and somehow it puts words to a place that before seemed to be indescribable. It was as if the song was written just for you…in that moment….to put words to something you only felt, but could never express. At that moment something comes alive in your spirit and you are drawn inward. You relive moments long gone, you remember people you love, sometimes the pain in your life comes to the surface, still other times joy filled moments spread an uncontrollable smile across your face. Everything else fades away and you are lost somewhere inside yourself.

I don’t know about you but as I travel inward, I often meet God there. He seems to speak through the music or at least to use it as a medium to invite me to a quiet place inside my own mind and emotion. Once I get there it usually isn’t so much of a conversation as a long embrace of intimacy. Whatever the private moment I am experiencing, there he is beside me… his hand in mine. Then as I look over he usually only has a few words to say. They are powerful yet gentle. Those few words then linger in my head for days and inevitably some part of me is never the same.

The lyrics of this beautiful song brought a tidal wave of powerful memories and a torrent of intense emotion. Suddenly, I was reliving the first time I saw Jane, a bone thin Ugandan widow suffering from AIDS and TB. Her skin was draped on her frail body and she coughed in painful spasms. She was standing there in front of me weeping, her shoulders hunched over, her eyes full of indescribable pain. She couldn’t feed herself or her children. The memory still reduces me to sobs. It still feels as intense as the day it happened. Then I saw another HIV positive widow named Joyce. Years earlier she watched in horror as her parents, her brothers and sisters and her husband were slaughtered by rebel soldiers wielding sharp machetes. Her and her daughter were the only survivors. She somehow managed to dig their graves bury them herself. Then she took her siblings’ children with her to Kampala…all 15 of them. Last year, her only biological daughter was killed in a car accident. The injustice of it all brings an intense white-hot anger. Then one after the other I remembered all 120 of them each with a unique story to tell. I choked back sobs and refused to shake free of the memory. As hard as it was, I sat in it…all of it. As the memories of these widows washed over me, I looked over and the only thing I could say to Jesus was ‘I love them.” He gently smiled and said, “Do you know what love is?”

Do I know what love is? This questioned lingered in my mind for days. There is no doubt I feel deep empathy and compassion for these dear widows. There is no doubt that some of them have become my friends. There is no doubt that I have given my resources to meet their physical needs. There is no doubt that I have tried to share their courage, hopes and dreams with anyone who will listen. But, does that answer the question? Is that love or is it social action? Is it love or is it a stroke to my own ego? Is it love or does it fill a deeper desire of mine to help the unfortunate? Suddenly I felt nervous and scared. Why did Jesus always have to look so deeply into my motives? Why was the authenticity of my love always in question? Why was I being so defensive?

About a year ago, I asked the God to teach me to love….really love--like he does. Now a year later, it seemed as if God was going to peel the onion a little deeper. As it turns out, you never really master the art of loving. It is a lifelong process…at least for me. So, I lowered by defenses, turned back into the memories and asked myself that question that seemed to probe into a tender place. Do I really love them?

I have been communicating with the widows since I have returned to the US and life for them has not improved. Although, we raised $16,000 in order to purchase a piece of land for them, no land has yet become available. It has been a much more difficult task then any of us anticipated to purchase a good sized piece of land. I just spoke with them the other day only to find out that they have to be out of their current houses by January 31st. Time is running out. They are scared and clinging to the slim hope of finding a piece of land in the next week. As you can imagine, conversations with them are becoming more frantic and I have found myself wanting to avoid the phone call. Wondering if it would be easier to distance myself from the weight of it all.

Some Christians have told me that I was foolish to try to help them in the first place. In their opinion it is better left to the “professionals” in big ministries and big NGO’s. Some have tried to comfort me, saying, “You tried your best. You did more than most people. God will bring someone else forward.” Still others try to spiritualize it all by saying that if God doesn’t find the women land, he just isn’t “in the project.” So, here I am wading deep in the memories of women I have come to know and love while voices of doubt and rationalization are begging me to escape the stench of failure. In the midst of all that, a beautiful voice sings a song and God asks the question, “Do you know what love is?”

Finally I dare to say, Yes, I know deep down despite all my selfishness that I really do love them. As much as my plan of rescue may have failed, I do love them. It isn’t just emotion, it’s commitment. So what do you do when you love someone in deep distress? Do you back off slightly hoping God brings someone else to help? That would be the easy way out. Or do you throw up your hands and say “I tried”? After all, it is a total failure, right? God doesn’t allow things to fail, does he? Then a small whisp of a memory comes floating by….I see Joseph rotting in prison in Egypt for years. Then I see the Jews wandering the desert for 40 years. Neither one of those plans went “as planned” yet God was not asleep at the switch. It was as if failure was as much a part of his plan as success was. He didn’t love them any less even though they saw more failure then most. Through it all God never left them. He loved them.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that love means standing in the darkness with them. It means letting this looming failure wash over me too. It means clinging to the promises of God in the same frantic way they are. It means standing beside them no matter how difficult it gets. It means putting their needs ahead of my own. It means cozying up to sacrifice. It means saying even when it is easier to leave, I will stay put.

I am scared though. I know my own propensity to opt for the easy way out. I know my own desire for a pain free existence. I want to live a life of happiness, wealth and priviledge…nothing but butterflies, ice cream cones and beautiful sunsets. Yet, I have fallen in love with women whose lives reek with pain, lonliness and despair. It is so much easier to flee…to go back to my comfortable life, but now that I know what I know and have heard what I’ve heard, I just can’t go back.

One thing I know about God is that he is ever present in times of trouble and can be found in the most painful places. So, to love is to stay in the place where Jesus is; therefore, I will love the widows not just in emotion, but in commitment. I will stay with them in the pain and the uncertainty and, yes, even in the failure.

After days of wrestling with this question of love, I look over at Jesus and he smiles nods his head and says, “Your love story has now begun…”

Monday, January 7, 2008

Farther Down the Road, But No Destination in Sight: An Atypical New Years Letter


Over the last year, I have left the familiar in pursuit of the unknown. I have embraced the wildness of God and accepted his invitation to the journey of a lifetime. I followed God into places where I can’t predict what will happen next and where I have given up all pretences of being in control. In order to be intimate with Jesus I decided to loosen my grip on the life I had created for myself—to watch it all fall away, until everything I had defined myself with was gone. I sold my house. I left my job. I left my friends. I left my community. I left my country. I left my dog. Suddenly, there I was stripped clean. It was then that God began to show me how he defined me. Now that I had lost my life, I finally began to find it.

Beloved. First and foremost, I am loved from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, from the dark recesses of my soul to my bubbly exterior. I am loved deeply and completely. God has imprinted me on the palm of hand and I am the apple of his eye. I left for Uganda early last spring with no idea what I would do and who I would meet. The more I gave up control, the more God created the most amazing ways to care for me. My first day in Uganda, a dear woman of God took me into her home. She cooked for me, taught me to wash my clothes and anticipated my every need. Her hospitality felt like the very hands of Jesus wrapped around me. God then introduced me to others who loved me so deeply and completely, that I saw God’s love in ways that have changed me forever. That beautiful love has altered the course of my life. Those last months in Uganda, I was bathed in love and it was both overwhelming and intoxicatingly beautiful.

Lover. Because I am loved so deeply, God has allowed me to love those he loves. Shortly after arriving in Uganda, I met Joyce, a widow who loves her fellow widows. I spent time with her. I began to know her, and then I began to love her. She then introduced me to 120 other beautiful widows who my heart also loved. Most of these women are refugees from the war in the north and have witnessed atrocities we can’t even imagine. Half of these women are HIV positive and all of them are caring for 5 or more children. They are desperately poor and as of January 31, 2008 they will be kicked off the land they are living on now. I know this because I spent time with each of them in their homes. I listened, I prayed with them, I gave them money when they were sick, I laughed with them, I walked with them, and I held them as they cried. I am committed to standing with them in good times and bad, in sickness and in health as now their happiness is wrapped up in mine. I am in a love relationship with them and it is one of the hardest and most beautiful things I have ever done.

Conqueror. Fear will no longer rule, for I am more than a conqueror with Jesus by my side. I used to get afraid….of so many things. I was afraid that I was unlovable. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid to leave the comfort of my life. But, now I am no longer afraid. Sometimes, I think fear is a lot like the wizard behind the curtain. In Oz he made things look bigger and scarier then they really are, however when Dorothy’s little dog exposed him for who he was; fear ceased to exist—it lost all its power. This year fear lost a lot of its power over my life. Now, with the deadline for the widows quickly approaching and no land to purchase in sight, I am resisting the temptation to be afraid. God said that we will be conquerors, so conquerors we will be. Fear is now making this situation seem big and scary, but God will show us what’s behind the curtain and fear will loose its power! I really have no idea how this will all resolve itself in the next couple of weeks, but I am certain God does.

Communicator. God told me to go to Uganda and listen. He wanted to show himself through the least, the lost and the left out. So, when I arrived, I listened and then wrote down the stories of God’s incredible grace and mercy. I wrote about widows who watched as the rebels slaughtered their loved ones, I wrote about former child soldiers who were crying out to God for strength and healing, I wrote about women who were infected with HIV by husbands who created on them, I wrote about widows who were rescued by the miraculous hand of God. I felt like there were so many stories and not enough time to tell them all. I am incredibly humbled and honored (and frankly somewhat perplexed), that Jesus chose me to be his storyteller. It is my greatest joy and deepest expression of my love for my savior.

So now after traveling deep into the brush of the unknown, I have caught a glimpse of who God has created me to be. It is not all I will be, nor all that I am now, but I much prefer lover to homeowner; beloved to suburbanite; conqueror to safe living; and communicator to silent observer. In 2007, I learned to live, really, really live. I lost everything, but gained more than I ever had before.

How about you? Will you wander with me into God’s wildness in 2008? Be advised it will be dangerous but…. you just might find yourself.

Happy New Year!
Kari

For the traditionalists: Highlights of 2007:

1) Spent 5 months in Uganda loving widows and orphans. Partnered with Dorcas Widows Project to buy land for a group of widows who are being chased off their land. (See Widows Update below) Taught English to a group of orphans at a boys home. Met the love of my life. Spent time in Gulu with former child soldiers & abducted children.
2) Started teaching 4th grade again in August.
3) My brother and his wife had their first baby! We were quite lucky to spend time with him over Christmas.
4) I sold my house.
5) I received another leave of absence from the school district. My last day will be February 1st.
6) I will leave for Uganda on February 12, 2008.


Update on the Dorcas Widows Project:

Wow! What a year! First of all, I want to thank all of you who gave of your resources and your time to support these dear ladies. You are truly helping some of God’s beloved women who have largely been forgotten by the world. We were able to raise $16,000 for the cost of the land. That is an act of God!

The widows are frantically looking for land to purchase by January 31st. They put in a bid on two other pieces of land but were out bid on one and the other piece of land was unlivable. So, now they are looking, looking, looking. I have asked two college interns to attend all their meetings so that I can keep in the loop of what is happening. We need to really get on our knees and pray, pray, pray!!

I have also been calling two of the widows to love and support them as they look. I can’t wait to see them all in person! I still have some of the beautiful necklaces, bracelets and bags that they made. They are really beautiful, so if you are in the Minneapolis area and want to take a look, feel free to email me. We will not sell them, but will accept donations for the widow’s project. They come with a decorative tag that explains about the widows and the project.

If you are interested in supporting these ladies further, please feel free to contact me karimillermn@gmail.com. Dorcas Widows Ministry is now a project under another 5013C ministry, so we are able to provide all tax documentation.