...And I Will Dwell In The House of The Lord Forever...

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4

Last Wednesday night, I got a call from widow Joyce. When I picked up the phone she greeted me and I greeted her, but her voice sounded weary…tired, not the tired you get from not sleeping, but the tired you get from too many emotions swirling around deep inside your heart. She told me that Jane, my dear sweet widow friend, was “badly off.” She encouraged me to come and see her the next day, as she was sure God could take her home at any moment. She ended our brief conversation by saying; “She is in God’s hands now. Only He can help her now.” I didn’t quite realize yet how true that statement would be.

On Thursday, after the widows meeting, Suzan, Annet and I went to see Jane. As we entered her house, we found Ida, another one of our widows, praying with Jane’s aunty and caregiver. Her Aunty was leaning against the doorframe, shoulders hunched over sobbing on Ida’s shoulder. Ida was praying softly while rubbing her back. We slowly entered the house as to not disturb the comfort Ida was trying to give to Jane’s Aunty. But, it is a small house, so it was only seconds before they noticed us and welcomed us into Jane’s room. The three of us kneeled in front of Jane’s bed as the Aunty continued to sob. She then walked towards Jane’s bed and pulled the covers off of Jane’s body and choked out the words, “You want to see Jane. This is Jane. This is not how things are supposed to be. She vomits and has diarrhea all day long! She is in constant pain! This is not a life!” We looked at the deformed body in front of us. She was naked except for a homemade diaper. The skin was tightly clinging to each rib-each indentation between the ribs was deep enough to fit the width of your finger. As the ribs ended, there was no stomach…it was as if the skin fell directly to her spine and then stretched over her pelvic bone. She was now just a skeleton…a collection of bones. I couldn’t help but breathe in sharply when I saw the grotesque shape of her body. I remembered seeing films of Holocaust victims in school and now I was seeing the same horror right before my eyes. I blinked back tears and tried to compose myself. All I could think of was how evil AIDS really was and I wanted to scream, “DAMN YOU AIDS. DAMN YOU TO HELL!”


Ida took the Aunty outside to comfort her as I leaned towards Jane’s face and greeted her…very softly, tenderly I said, “Jane…Suzan, Annet and I have come to see you. Do you remember who I am?”
Very weakly, she turned her eyes toward me and said, “Aunt Kari.”
“Yes, that’s right. I wanted to come and tell you that I love you and that God loves you very much. How are you feeling today?” I asked.
“I don’t know…breathing is hard, but God is with me. He is here with me.” At that point, she had the most peaceful look on her face…even amidst all the pain, all the diarrhea, all the vomiting…God was there…seated next to her, holding her. She didn’t recognize Suzan or Annet, but she did keep repeating that God was there. It was then that I thought AIDS will destroy the body, but never, never the soul. She was becoming tired so I asked if I could pray for her. I wasn’t sure if I could hold it together long enough to pray for her, but suddenly I felt a courage and strength I didn’t even know I had. I asked God to continue to sit with her, to hold her, to comfort her. I asked him to lead her home…to release her from her suffering. As I prayed, I sensed that God was getting ready to lead her home…that she would be leaving us soon.

On Saturday, I attended the graduation party of widow Jenifer’s daughter. Phiona was graduating from university and had already secured a job in her field. It was a miracle of God that Jenifer was able to secure a sponsorship for all of Phiona’s schooling! The quarters where the ladies live was filled with singing and dancing. It was an incredible party full of pure joy. I was overjoyed to celebrate God’s faithfulness with them. As, Annet and I enjoyed ourselves; widow Rebecca came and asked to speak to us privately. We gathered around her and tried to hear her over the loud African music.

Without anyone knowing, the Aunty had left Jane’s house early that morning. She had left Jane’s 4-year-old girl, Mary, and Jane alone all day. Mary sat next to her mommy’s bed all day and got water for her mother to drink when Jane was lucid enough to talk to her. There was no one there to feed Mary or to help her care for her sick mother. Then in the afternoon, Kathy, Jane’s oldest, came home from boarding school. She had finished her exams early and was excited to come home and see her mother. When Kathy entered the house she saw her baby sister sitting by Jane’s bed crying and the house smelled like a mixture of diarrhea and vomit. When she called Jane’s name, she didn’t move. So Kathy began hysterically screaming and crying. Not knowing what to do, she picked Mary up and ran to Rebecca’s house. Rebecca then left Mary with her older children and ran with Kathy back to the house. When Rebecca found Jane, she was still breathing. So, she assured Kathy that her mom was still alive and helped her calm down. Kathy begged Rebecca to take her mother to the hospital, but when they phoned Jane’s doctor he told her that the TB had eaten her lungs and that she was in the final stage of AIDS…there was nothing the hospital could do for her anymore. Kathy burst into tears again, so Rebecca just held her as she cried. Then she and Kathy picked Jane up and bathed her and cleaned the sheets. When she was cleaned up and Kathy was calmer, Rebecca came to find us.

At that point we knew we needed to go check on the children. Annet and I rushed to Jane’s home. It was now dark and there was no power in the quarters. The night was inky black and it was difficult to see your hand in front of your face. As we approached the house, we heard Kathy crying and wailing. I began to shake. I wondered if Jane had already died and now we would see her dead body in the dark. Annet quickly threw her arms around Kathy and held her while Kathy cried on her shoulder. Annet then said, “We won’t leave you. We will stand with you until the end. We won’t leave you.” I softly rubbed her back and assured her that we would stay with her. We entered the home each holding one of Kathy’s hands and approached Jane. At that moment Jane opened her eyes and I could see she was still breathing. I kneeled down and told Jane that we had come to visit her again. She wasn’t sure who I was, but she said that God was there with her. She even asked Rebecca if she was dead. We then softly told her that she was still alive, but that if she wanted to follow Jesus it was okay. It was then that Annet and I noticed a shadow towards the back of the room. I have great difficulty seeing in the dark, so I asked Annet, “Can you see who that is?” She noticed right away that it was Bernard, Jane’s second oldest son. I went over and hugged him. He seemed scared to get close to his mother and yet at the same time he seemed to want to be near her.

The children had not eaten at all, so I called widow Ruth and asked her to bring some food for the children to eat. Then I called Widow Joyce and told her that the children were here alone, as the Aunty had gone missing. Ruth showed up moments later with food. Joyce also arrived quickly—Jane is her best friend. Joyce immediately took control of the situation…using my phone to call the Aunty and convince her to return. Jane’s Aunty had just gotten overwhelmed at the thought of watching her niece die such a painful death. As Ruth set out the food, Jane suddenly became full of energy and began to talk. She asked each of her children to come sit next to her and then showed her love for them. She pleaded with Kathy to keep studying well and to be the woman God had created her to be. Then she smiled at her daughter. She continued to tell them that God was here with her and that she was okay. It was then that I realized that she was saying goodbye. I wanted to break down and cry. I was going to miss her so much and I knew that she would follow Jesus soon…that it wouldn’t be long now. Joyce offered to stay with the children until the Aunty returned, so Annet and I left. As I left, I knew somewhere deep inside that I would not see my friend again this side of heaven.

Joyce stayed up all night with Jane…talking with her, remembering the laughter and the sorrows they had shared over the years. Joyce did most of the talking, but it felt good to be with her one last time. At 2:00 am Joyce bathed her friend one last time, she didn’t want her to die with vomit or diarrhea on her. Finally at 3:45 in the morning she breathed her last breath and followed Jesus to the House of the Lord.

I heard the news of her death at 5:00am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid in bed thinking about all the special times we had spent together, the times we had wasted whole afternoons laughing and trading stories. I felt a deep sadness enter my soul, not despair, but just a sadness in losing someone you love…knowing it will be a long time until you see them again. But, strangely enough, I also felt a strong sense of peace in knowing that she wasn’t suffering anymore…that she was not in pain and never would be again.

On Sunday, I went to Jane’s house to comfort the children and to support her grieving family. As I arrived, her aunty grabbed my hand and led me into the house where Jane’s body lay. I walked slowly into the room, there was a pastor standing in the corner praying for her and for those who are suffering now that she is gone. Then, although there were other people in the room, I didn’t hear them or see them. I dropped to my knees beside her body and began to cry…really cry. What I saw just overwhelmed me. You see she was wearing the Dorcas Widows Gomasi (dress). All the widows had made the same Ugandan dress, so that they could wear it when they represented our group somewhere or to welcome special visitors or to a special function. Jane was never able to wear her dress because she had been so ill for so long. The dress was brand-new…never been worn. Now, she was wearing that beautiful dress to go meet the savior. She was representing the widows in the courts of heaven. She looked so beautiful. Her face was so peaceful. It was then I realized that it was the first time I had seen her face without the mark of pain.

So now my dear sweet friend is in the arms of the savior…laughing, loving and free…free of pain, free of suffering, free of AIDS…just free. She is dancing in her beautiful dress and praising the God who rescued her from her body of death. Oh, how sweet it will be to join you in that party someday….

“Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalms 23:6
In Loving Memory of Jane Francis Adakini
1971-2009

Reasons To Rejoice

**I have BIG personal news to share. Make sure you read until the end!**

“Sing to God, sing praises to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds—his name is the Lord—and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling.” Psalm 68:4,5

As Suzan, Annet and I sat in our weekly meeting this week, we marveled at how tenderly Jesus had shown himself to us in the last month. We had been swirling about with the widows in chaos…in death…in violence…in sickness, for a while it seemed like one problem led into another greater one with no real solutions in sight. In the last couple of months we reached the end of ourselves and could think of only one thing to do…to humble ourselves before the Lord of Peace and beg for him to help quiet our souls. Jesus told us he would give us peace, not as the world gives, but lasting eternal and internal peace. It is amazing how peaceful we felt this week amidst the storm that still rages around us. But, I assure you it is not blindness to the pain around us or numbness to the issues; instead it is a real stable sense of peace in the middle of the battle. In these next few stories I hope you see the peace…the encouragement…the reasons we have to rejoice in what God is doing.

On Thursday, widow Joyce Okwanga and I went to see Jane. She has been in and out of the hospital and is rarely without an IV these days. She has reached the 3rd stage of AIDS and now has resistant TB. She is now just bones draped with baggy skin. She labors to breathe through the tiny lung capacity she has left and shakes uncontrollably when she sits. It is exhausting for her to carry on a conversation. She doesn’t say many words now, it is just too hard to get them out…too much energy that she doesn’t have. As we entered her home, we found her lying on her bed laboring to breathe in and out. Her auntie stays with her now and feeds her when her stomach is settled enough to eat. Her auntie bathes her and cares for her like a mother would care for an infant. Our ministry pays school fees for her children as well as for all her medical treatment. We also buy the jewelry she has left in her home in order to keep feeding her. We are committed to supporting her until God takes her home. I smiled at her as I knelt beside her bed and hugged her bony frame. I told her that I loved her and had been praying for her. Joyce also greeted her and told her how much the other widows were praying for her. The last time I had visited her, I had anointed her head with oil and asked Jesus to invade her spirit and to encourage her from the inside out. Joyce and I encouraged her by telling her how much Jesus loves her and how much he longs to give her peace amidst all this pain. Her breathing suddenly changed…it became more rapid, I could tell she was trying to talk. We leaned toward her and listened to her quiet rasping voice. She said, “I am in pain all the time now, but God is telling me he is keeping me alive for a purpose. He still has a purpose for me.” She repeated the word purpose several times and then closed her eyes to catch her breath. As she spends every day lying in bed writhing in pain, she hears God telling her that she is special and created for a purpose…a purpose that even in her invalid state she can fulfill for the kingdom of God. She doesn’t sound as her body looks…her body is dying, but her spirit is alive. Joyce and I just sat in quiet awe of this beautiful soul whose body is decaying, but whose spirit is living with peace only Jesus can give.

That same Thursday, I also went to see Joyce Anywar. For the last few weeks, she has been sick with one complicating illness after another. Joyce is HIV positive, but religious about taking her ARV’s. She is known in our group as being “the strong one…the one who can persevere…the one who can make lemonade out of lemons.” Even though she is HIV positive, she has stayed fairly healthy over the last three years, so these recent sicknesses have shaken her usual confidence. After attending the burial of our fellow widow, Idah, last month she has been sick with one complicating illness after another. We have anointed her with oil and prayed with her in person and on the phone asking God to show his great healing power. We have helped her pay for treatment and gone to the doctor with her providing encouragement whenever we can. When I saw her on Thursday, she was feeling somewhat better, but so discouraged. She had missed working in the market for several days and was worried about supporting herself and her children. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “What will happen to my grandchildren, Paul and Ester…and to Winnie…who will care for Winne…who but me will care for an HIV positive child?” I was quiet for a moment, then I held her and whispered in her ear…God is not weak…his hand is not too short to save you…to heal you. God is with you and because God is with you…we are with you. You are not alone. You are still living, so let’s ask God to show himself as the great healer and the great provider. She squeezed my hand and smiled at me. The dark cloud of worry was no longer settled in the lines of her face. A short time later, a woman from Seattle who had heard about the Drocas Widows Fund and read some about us on our web site, arrived in Uganda. She had come to visit another ministry she supports, but wanted to be sure to visit our widows. When I met her she told me she wanted to buy a 100-beaded purses. Immediately, I knew God was showing himself as the great provider. Joyce is the one who makes those purses and who needs the extra income. So in the middle of all the sickness and the worry, there again was Jesus…our peacemaker.

On Friday, Widow Ruth, Suzan, Annet and I went to see the orphans we had saved from Nakawa in their new respective Cornerstone homes. Barbara, the only girl of the family, age 16, had been selling herself to buy food and other materials for her brothers when Ruth found her and asked me to please help her find a way out. God opened an opportunity for her to go to the Cornerstone home for girls who were trying to escape prostitution. They had given her a new bed, new sheets, a footlocker, food, soap…everything she had been selling her body to get for her brothers. It was almost too wonderful for words…she laughed and jumped up and down. Barbara was overcome with emotion and so grateful for this new life. It was a beautiful thing to see. Then recently we saw her walking around Nakawa, where she had been previously living with her brothers. When we saw her we asked why she had come back. Barbara then told us that her oldest brother had called her back home saying he was sick. Annet and Ruth then did some asking around in the community, only to find the brother missed the money he was making off of selling her, so he tricked her into coming back forcing her to sell herself. At that point, we gave her transport money to return to the home and told her not to return to Nakawa. So, yesterday, Ruth, Annet, Suzan and I went to the Cornerstone house to see Barbara. When we entered the compound, she squealed with delight like a little girl seeing her mommy coming home from work. She hugged each of us and ushered us into the home. We sat with her and told her how proud we were of her…she had been learning tailoring and jewelry making.

Then Ruth asked her to come sit beside her. Ruth spoke so tenderly, so softly to her. She told Barbara how much we all loved her, how much worth she had as a daughter of Jesus, how we longed for the day when we will dance at her high school graduation…at her wedding. Ruth told her how much Jesus wanted to give her a husband that would treat her as a valued women…full of worth and virtue. Barbara just looked at her hands as tears formed in her eyes. Ruth tenderly continued to tell her that she is a new creation in Christ. That she is now safe here. That it is okay not to obey her brother. Ruth told her that she would take care of the older brother if he is sick, so there is no reason for her to come home ever again. Then she told Barbara to pray for her older brother…that his heart may be changed, that he may learn to see his own worth and value. Ruth told her again that she is safe…no one can enter this compound without permission. Barbara just looked so defeated…so small…so ashamed. Then Ruth reached out to her held her hand, smiled and told her again how worthy God had made her. We all then looked this vulnerable girl in the eye and told her how valuable she was to God and to us. We each held her and kissed her on the cheek. Suddenly, there it was…peace…it was in her eyes. She told us that she was not going back again and thanked us for helping her escape. She told us she wants to believe Jesus…to believe that she really can be worthy. The mentors then told us not to worry, they would keep praying with her…counseling her. Ruth smiled at her, called her daughter and then told her how proud she was to call her daughter…God’s two beloved women…a widow comforting an orphan. In the middle of all this ugliness, there was grace…there was love and then there was peace.

The storms of life will come and go, pain will invade our bodies and our spirit, suffering will rest on all of us at one time or another, but through it all Jesus will guard our souls with the warriors of peace, grace, love, hope and unreasonable joy.


BIG NEWS—Personal news—

I have been praying for quite some time about how to support myself as I do ministry here with the widows. Up to this point, I had been teaching in Minneapolis and then living off my savings while I am here. Starting in June, I took a year leave of absence from my job in Minneapolis to see if I could find a job here in Uganda. In only a few short weeks, I was interviewing at the International School of Uganda (google The International School of Uganda and check out the campus). Then at the end of September I was hired to work with students with special needs. So, I am now teaching full time and seeing the women after work and on weekends. This is a HUGE blessing for me as it allows me to live here full time and do the ministry I love. I have now purchased a car and it will be coming from Japan in mid-September. I am hopeful that I will find a place to live with Suzan by the first of December. (A HUGE THANK YOU to the Kabi’s for letting me live with them for these last 3 years. You really are my family here!) So, feel free to visit us here in Uganda…you definitely have a place to stay!

ANOTHER BIG NEWS-COOL GOD THING-personal-

In 2005 I went to Swaziland for the month of July. I went alone…well not exactly alone…it was my first trip with just Jesus and I. While I was in Swaziland, I volunteered my time each day at the government hospital in Mbabane, clearly a place of death and disease. There were 3 infants who had been abandoned shortly after I arrived in Swaziland and they were living in the hospital. I spent my days taking care of these precious little ones. I got especially close to one of the babies. I fed her, changed her, sang to her, cuddled her…my family all thought I might come home with a child. While I was at the hospital, I met an American couple, Claud and Mary. They were church planters there and had been working with a Swazi social worker to adopt a baby. So, often when I was in the hospital, they were there too caring for the baby they were waiting to take home and adopt. Then a week before I left, I felt this overwhelming sadness and despair at leaving “my baby” at the hospital. So, there I sat in the hospital holding her close and crying at the same time. Then I reached up took my tears and baptized this baby…claiming her for Jesus, as his special infant. Then I asked God to save her…to give her a home. In the next couple of days, I arrived in the hospital only to find out that one of the babies had died during the night. I ran into the hospital ward shaking…wondering…only to find out that the American couple’s baby had died. The next day, I was in town having dinner with some new friends when I felt a presence behind me…it was Claud. His face was tense and all he said was, “I need to talk to you right now.” My heart started to beat incredibly fast. I stood up and walked out into the parking lot with him. His wife Mary was there. He asked me if I heard what happened to their baby as their eyes welled up with tears. I nodded my head yes as I cried with them. Then Claud looked me straight in the eye and said, “Our social worker told us today that we have an opportunity to now adopt “your baby.” Is it okay with you?” I burst into tears and said, “yes” over and over again. God had answered my prayer! Well over the years, we have kept in touch by email. Imagine my surprise when two weeks ago I got an email from Claud saying that God had now called them to Uganda and that they would be in Kampala the following day. So, last week I had dinner with “my baby!”—actually she is 4 and a half now, beautiful, talkative, joyful, playful. I have cried off and on about it since I saw her last week. Only Claud, Mary and I know the pain, despair and filth we rescued her from. They introduced me as her “auntie.” I was overjoyed. God does beautiful things doesn’t he?

Peace Amidst the Chaos

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

In the last month, I have felt bombarded with chaos. Not just great change, but a feeling of being swirled about in an unpredictable tornado. Suddenly wondering which way is up and how to find a firm footing again. Even my thoughts seem to fly about inside my head with no predictable pattern. I guess that is why I haven’t written much in the last few weeks. Putting more than one thought together seemed like an impossible task. Events in my life and the lives of the ladies seemed to have no solution. The only thing I could think to do was pray and when I did God impressed heavily on me that even as I fly wildly about, he is placed his peace and clam inside me. It is an odd feeling to be totally enveloped in chaos and yet at the same time feel a sense of deep serenity.

It all started about a month ago. My phone rang just after 6:30 in the morning. I woke from a dead sleep and groggily said hello. Joyce’s voice on the other end of the phone was shrill and full of panic, so unusual for her. I shook the sleep from my head and interrupted her, “Joyce, tell me slowly…what happened?” Joyce explained that Idah had begun convulsing at about 4:00 in the morning. Her young daughter had run to get Joyce, as she had allowed Idah and her children to build a small wooden structure near her small home when Idah was evicted. Joyce had prayed over Idah, but she never regained consciousness. Joyce then brought Idah to the government hospital. However, they wouldn’t treat her without her medical record, so Joyce was now frantically searching through Idah’s things looking for her medical papers. I told her that Annet, our Dorcas Widows Social Worker, would come immediately to help her. Annet lives close to her and was able to be there in 15 minutes. They were able to find the card and jumped on Bodas (motorcycles for hire) and sped to the hospital. I then called Suzanne, another Dorcas Widows Social Worker, and asked her to go immediately to the hospital to sit with Idah and her daughter. I live the farthest away from the hospital, so I told them I would meet them there later.

Suzanne, Annet and Joyce arrived at the hospital in time to see the doctor and to give him her medical record. Idah was in the advanced stage AIDS with significant liver disease and had now contracted Hepatitis. The doctor suggested some medicine that might help her regain consciousness, so Annet and Suzanne rushed to the hospital pharmacy only to find they were out of that medicine. So, they rushed to another pharmacy in town only to find nothing again. Finally, after the 4th pharmacy they were able to get the medicine. They rushed back into the hospital only to reach her bedside as she breathed her last breath. She died peacefully with her daughters and her mother by her side. Suzanne then called me and told me that I had missed her. That she had already gone home to be with the Lord. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I had so wanted to say good-bye. I was already headed to the hospital, but Suzanne asked me to turn around and go tell the other widows so that we could support Idah’s mother and children.

Annet and Suzanne had the gruesome task of taking the body to the morgue…a room full of dead, stiff naked bodies in various stages of decay…no refrigeration, so the smell alone will knock you down. They feared I would not be strong enough to handle it and they were right. Our ministry paid to have Idah’s body prepared for burial and while they were preparing her, Suzanne went into town to buy a coffin for her and to arrange a truck to come and pick her body. In Acholi tradition, the coffin is then taken to the mother’s house and laid inside the home. Then neighbors, friends and family come to mourn together over Idah.

I gathered the other widows at St. Peter’s Church and then we walked to the mother’s house as the coffin arrived. Idah’s mother wailed…a cry so piercing and so full of sadness. Her two daughters just sat there staring off into space with red eyes and look of total despair. The Dorcas Widows arrived en mass and one by one grieved, cried and hugged the family. We sat quietly outside the mother’s small home partly in shock and partly relieved that Idah’s pain is now over and she is dancing and singing in the presence of the Lord. Suddenly, one of the ladies, Phyllis learned over to me and said, “I feel the Lord telling me to speak to the crowd that has gathered…to comfort them…to tell them about our hope in Jesus.” So, she stood up, gathered their attention and then began to speak in the local language about our confidence that Idah was with Jesus, about how Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with them, about how God is asking each of us to choose to follow and serve him. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed. Then, the ladies and I began to sing praise hymns. Suddenly, there it was… the tangible feeling of peace amidst the chaos.

The next day, we arrived at St. Peter’s Church for the funeral. Idah was a member of the Luo Service Church Choir, so her fellow choir members surrounded her coffin and sang a beautiful song of praise…Idah’s favorite. Then I stood and told the congregation how much we loved Idah…all the special things we will remember about her. As the service ended the body was to be taken back to her village to be buried. Two of our widows, Joyce and Ruth, would accompany the mother and other relatives in order to represent us and to support the family.

After such a lovely remembrance of Idah’s life, Ruth and Joyce were shocked to find the mother quarreling with the members of her own family and her own husband after reaching Kitgum. The mother was not welcomed warmly by the village as they had chased her from their midst for being a trouble maker and for inciting some witchcraft against people. Suddenly, a fight broke out between Idah’s mother and her extended family. Joyce and Ruth tried to serve as peacemakers, but were abused in the process. They argued all night and finally in the morning Idah was laid to rest amidst arguing and fighting. As they sat in the truck returning to Kampala, the mother threatened Ruth and Joyce telling them to tell no one about the fighting or else they would be sorry.

Both Joyce and Ruth were quite shaken when they returned to Kampala. They both called me right away to relay the strange events that had just transpired. Joyce was particularly worried about Idah’s children, as this grandmother did not seem stable. Suzanne, Annet and I tried hard to investigate what could be done for the children. Then two days later, we heard that the police had been called to the mother’s place because the neighbor had witnessed her seriously beating Idah’s children with a large stick. The oldest child was somehow able to grab the stick and hit the grandmother on the head to stop the violence. Joyce then asked the children to stay with her. The grandmother then went to Joyce’s house and threatened to beat her or curse her if she did not give the children back. Joyce held her ground, but was terrified of the violent nature of this woman. Joyce then asked the mother if they could sort their dispute with the oldest male relative of that family which is culturally appropriate. The mother hesitantly agreed, but threatened that bad things would begin happening to Joyce. As I write this now, Joyce is been in the hospital for two days on an IV fighting for her life as we pray seriously for God to intervene. As westerners, we naively think witchcraft is some ancient hocus-pocus…something like believing in the tooth fairy, but I can assure you that evil still roams the earth and can wound us. God told us that we were in the middle of a battle and indeed we are. It seems like I am on the front line these days.

As we tried to intervene in this tense situation with Idah’s mother, Jane also became incredibly ill and needed an immediate IV and medical attention. The oldest boy of the family of orphans Dorcas Widows has been helping fell into a diabetic coma and needed us to rush him to the hospital. His life hung in the balance for 24 hours, but God intervened and he is now better. Then if all the sickness of these women were not enough all hell broke loose in Kampala. The Kabaka (king) of Buganda (a large tribe in Uganda) was insulted by a less populous tribe in his own territory and was furious at this blatant lack of respect, so his people took to the streets in massive riots. Suddenly, bullets were flying everywhere, tires were burning, stones were being thrown indiscriminately and people were being beaten or killed if they were not Buganda or did not publicly respect Buganda traditions. The military was sent in and an all scale battle broke out in the middle of down town. Hundreds of people were wounded and many were killed…most of them innocent people caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. Everyone connected with the Dorcas Widows was instructed to stay locked inside their home. This proved to be the safest way to remain untouched by the violence. In fact, to the glory of God we all survived unharmed.

After the violence stopped on Saturday, we planned to meet on Tuesday afternoon at Logogo Baptist Church in order to get on our knees and pray for peace and protection from the evil around us. So, last night we gathered together and sang with arms outstretched and danced before our God with wild abandon. Then each lady prayed in her own language to the Lord reminding him of how mighty his hand is and how vulnerable we are; of his promise of peace and how we are being tossed about; of how he is the great healer and of how sick in body and mind some of us are. Tears flowed down our faces as we knelt before him asking him to intervene in the trauma that has followed Idah’s death, into the sicknesses of so many of our women and into the violence of our beloved city. In the midst of all the voices crying out before the throne of God, I felt a powerful peace wash over my body…it was tangible…I felt if I opened my eyes I would see Jesus face to face. He whispered to me, “In this world you will have trouble, but don’t fear…I have overcome the world.”

So now, I am waiting to see the sick become well, the vulnerable become safe and the violent become calm. In the weeks that come, you will hear from us great testimonies of victory for our great God is on the move.

Lost Sheep

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to the disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” Matthew 9:36-37

Shortly after I returned to Uganda, Ruth, one of my dearest widow friends came to me with an urgent request. Her eyes were blazing with concern and fierce determination as she grabbed my hands and sat me down next to her. “I am a mother,” she began, “and when mothers see children suffering they have to act.” I looked intently back at her and asked, “What happened Ruth?” She explained that she had been taking food to Jane some months ago when Jane was terribly sick. One day as she was bringing the food to Jane, a teenage boy followed her. When she left Jane’s place, she noticed the boy following her again. As she reached home, Ruth turned and asked the boy why he was following her. The boy was weak, thin and looked terribly sick. He fell to his knees and told Ruth that he was hungry. She asked him why he hadn’t eaten and where his parents were. He told her that his parents were dead and that he and his 3 other siblings were living alone.

At that point Ruth took him into her home and began cooking for him. She fed him and sent him home with food for his siblings. He thanked her and then slowly made his way back to the room he was living in. The house they were living in had been sold when their father died and then rented out to different men. The current man living there allowed them to stay in one room of the house.

Since that day, Ruth had been feeding these children and checking on them when she could. “We need to help them, Kari. They have no one and they are badly off.” Immediately, the medic and I left to see the children. The medic found the oldest teenage boy, Ben, in bed unable to move. He had diabetes and had been milking the same bottle of insulin for months with the same dull dirty needle. Giving himself the wrong dose of insulin could have killed him, yet he was still breathing. Ben also wondered if he was HIV positive, but had not yet been tested. Brenda, his 16 year old sister, was doing her best to care for him, but with nothing to eat in the house but the handouts they were receiving from Ruth; his diet was impossible to control. She also had to go out and look for food for her two younger brothers, Immanuel, 14, and Godfrey, 12.

The medic gave Ben the correct insulin dosage, a clean syringe and information about the right foods to eat to control his diabetes. I was just overwhelmed. Ben looked like he could die taking his next breath and the other children looked scared and hopeless. I thought of the verse in Matthew where Jesus looks on the crowd and describes them as looking harassed and helpless. These children were lost…completely lost…invisible to everyone but Ruth the widow.

The next day, I brought Annet, the Dorcas Widows Fund Sponsorship Coordinator, with me to talk to them in their own language. I wanted to know how they ended up so alone and so vulnerable. Annet has a kind and gentle spirit and she started talking to them slowly and with great compassion. The children warmed up to her and began to tell her their painful story. Both of their parents had contracted HIV. Their mother died first when Brenda was 5 and Godfrey was an infant. After their mother’s death, their father remarried a younger woman. Things were okay for a while, until their father’s new wife found out that he had given her HIV. Their father was already showing signs of the disease…becoming thin, weak and sickly. The new wife was furious and plotted revenge on her new husband. She decided to infect his oldest son, so she began to repeatedly rape Ben when the father was not around. It was a living nightmare. After a year or so, she also became too sick and left the father.

At 8 years old Brenda nursed her father and did all the cooking, even taking care of her two younger brothers. Their father died a slow painful death. For the next 5 years, he would yo-yo between better and worse until one day he went to sleep and never woke up. Their uncle had been supporting them while their father was alive, but now that he was dead the uncle sold their home to pay himself back for all the money he had spent caring for them. Ben was now the heir to his father’s land in the village, a very fertile land, one coveted by his relatives. The uncles then plotted to get the land, so they threatened to curse them if Ben or any of his siblings ever came back to the village. So, 3 years ago, these 4 children were left homeless, penniless and completely alone.

They began to beg the neighbors for food and that worked for a while, but after several months the neighbors grew tired of helping them. So, with no other option, Brenda began sleeping with men for food or some small money. Now for two years, selling her young body has kept them alive. Brenda stared at her hands looking hopeless and the room suddenly became very quiet. I fought back tears. I was both heart broken and furious that this was their reality. Annet spoke first, very softly. She too was overwhelmed with emotion. We both hugged Brenda and told her that God had heard her cries and had sent us to help them. I looked at all of them and said, “We will love you and take care of you. We see you and hear all you have passed through. This should never have happened to you, but God will redeem even this. Just wait and see.”

First things first, Annet took the children to be tested for HIV. We all feared the worst especially for Ben and Brenda, but much to our delight all the children tested negative. The next day Annet and Ruth took the children to the market and bought enough food for two months including pots, pans, plates, charcoal…everything they needed to be healthy and to cook for themselves. Annet called me later and told me that the children were running around the yard singing, dancing, laughing and jumping. This was the first time in years that someone had given them something more than one meal. They were overjoyed.

I wanted more than that for them. I wanted to give them a hope and a future…isn’t that what Jesus would give them? I was at Cornerstone that day to meet with Dennis and Kristin about the possibility of getting the boys into their homes for street children. After some discussion, I found that there were two openings in the same home for the youngest boys. In this home, they would live with mentors who will love them, guide them and teach them to be men of God. Eventually, they will be able to go back to school. I was also able to get Brenda in their home for former prostitutes. There she will receive the counseling she so desperately needs and a chance to return to school.

The following day, Annet told the Brenda, Immanuel and Godfrey the good news. They fell to the ground and began to cry. They just shook their head in disbelief. Brenda looked at Annet and said, “I never knew God would send me a white mother.” Annet held them and they all began to laugh and shout for joy. Before the boys could go to the home, we needed to purchase a mattress, bedding and a mosquito net for each of them to sleep on. Annet took the boys to the market to pick out their very first bed. Immanuel looked at Annet and said, “I never thought we would be rich. Only rich people sleep in beds.” Annet just laughed and hugged them. Brenda was also overjoyed to be given a new life…one where she doesn’t have to sell herself in order to survive. Because Ben is now 20, he is too old for these programs, but we are trying to help him look at some vocational programs where he could learn a trade and begin to work. In just a couple weeks God had given each of these children a new life…a new beginning…a future.

These children were indeed helpless and harassed with no one to defend them. Until one poor widow saw them and gave of what she had to help them. She fed them until I came back. Ruth knows my heart is close to widows and orphans. Immediately we intervened…we had compassion on them not just in words or prayers, but in action. The workers of Christ’s Kingdom are few…too few for the pain in this world, but the harvest is also more plentiful than we can imagine. I am confident that God will carry those children onto health, hope and great things. Is there anything better than to harvest the souls and potential of people? Jesus is calling all who follow in his ways…all who claim to know him and want to serve him to go out into the fields of harassed and helpless people and do something to help them grow and become; so we can harvest the potential of each of God’s beautiful creations.

Here is the letter I just received from Brenda:

Dear mum Kari,

I kindly greet you in the name of one and only Jesus Christ. And I would like you to know that you are really a gift sent to us from heaven. You really brought back hope and happiness to our family because when we became orphans we thought that everything had come to an end but in you we’ve restored love, joy and happiness and also got someone we can call mama and loves us very much.

We really thank you for the food and things you are sending and buying for us because before you helped us we sometimes used to sleep hungry because we had no money. But you’ve got to know that we love you so much but we can’t express but just to God that he may pay back whatever you are planting in us.

I won’t disappoint you. May the good Lord Bless you!!
From daughter Brenda

Hope And Healing

“Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalms 103:3-5

God delights in using his people to heal the wounds of others. He longs to put us into relationships where we ease each other’s pain and heal each other’s diseases. It is only in community…in sharing our burdens with each other…that true healing can take place. To be healed we must honestly present the pain we feel and be willing to humbly accept what we must do to be healed. We must also be willing to give what another needs in order to be whole again. It has been my joy and privilege to watch this relationship develop between the widows and the doctor who came to help heal them.

In mid June I arrived back home…back in Kampala…back in Uganda. I came back with a medic who wanted to give his time to help the widows heal from their various diseases. He came as a willing servant…ready to pour himself into the treatment of 80 sick widows. He immediately set up a makeshift clinic in a local church. Ruth, one of the widow coordinators, helped translate for him as he examined each lady. She also took him to the homes of the women who were too sick to come to the clinic. The first week the medic was there, he saw women from morning until evening. He would take their hands look compassionately into their eyes and really listen to them. He saw them. He saw their pain and their discomfort. Then he was able to give them the correct medicine to relieve their suffering. The medic was so excited to be able to provide these sick women hope and relief.

One day Ruth took him to see Martha’s granddaughter, Tracy. For the last 6 years Tracey has been unable to walk. She has lived her life on the couch in Martha’s small concrete home. She is unable to even take herself to the bathroom and must wait to be carried. When the medic entered Martha’s home, he was horrified to find that Tracey’s femur bone was protruding from her upper thigh. For about a year now, a severe staff infection has eaten away the skin around the broken bone. This bone had been exposed for a year and she was in constant excruciating pain. However, Tracey never complained nor did she hate the world. She had a smile that lit up the whole room and continued to say, “One day God will heal me.” She saw a doctor, but he sent her home unwilling to treat her, as her grandmother did not have money. The medic just shook his head feeling both intense anger and deep compassion.

The next day, he took Tracey to the government hospital. As they entered the emergency room, he saw a man laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He had died waiting to be seen by the doctor. The waiting room was full of people in various stages of sickness and distress. The place smelled like death. They waited for hours only to be ignored. Finally, he bribed someone to get Tracey seen. She was taken back and examined by the doctor. Our medic paid for everything…the x ray, the x ray folder, the wheelchair ride, the treatment…everything had a price. They assured him they would give her a strong anti biotic and dress her exposed bone. He left her assuming she would be treated properly.

Later that night, Ruth called to tell the medic that Tracey had been sent home from the hospital. He was furious and frustrated. The next morning he went to Tracey’s house to find out what happened. Tracey told him that they took her in a room grabbed her exposed bone with their hands and broke it off. She said, she screamed and that it was a pain too excruciating for words. Then they gave her the equivalent of Tylenol and a simple antibiotic. The medic felt horrible for leaving her in that butcher’s shop…like he had somehow failed her in her weakest moment. This time he would treat her himself. He purchased some high powered antibiotic and some intense pain killers for her. He visited her almost daily and watched her treatment carefully.

Finally, it came time for the medic to go back home. He had spent a month healing these women…giving them back a feeling of peace and wellness. He had worked tirelessly to improve the health of all 80 women. It was amazing to see them improve and move without pain. As his time to leave approached, the women gathered to thank him for his love for them. They gave testimony after testimony about how God had used him to heal them. He gave all the credit for his service to God. The ladies then asked him what they could do for him. He said that he was apprehensive to reach home as there were some painful things awaiting him there. Immediately, the women rose, put him in the middle of the circle and began earnestly praying in LUgandan, in Luo and in English for his pain. He dropped to his knees and cried. For 10 minutes they pleaded with God to heal his heart. They were earnestly interceding for him…calling down emotional healing for him. After they stopped praying, the doctor was speechless. He said later that he felt God himself reach inside him and begin to heal that painful place of his.

After the meeting he had one more patient he wanted to see. We went to Martha’s house to see Tracey. She was there smiling from ear to ear. He was thrilled to see that the wound had closed completely and that the infection was nearly gone. For the first time in 6 years, Tracey was free of that staff infection. He told her that she would never hurt like that again and that she would now be able to use crutches and to move independently. She laughed and the whole house cheered. Then she gave the medic a letter. The letter thanked him for seeing her not as an invalid, but as a person with great worth and value. She said that she now believes that she has a future. She then said that she didn’t see him as a only a medic, but as a valuable servant of God. Somehow, his own pain lessened as he saw himself in her eyes.

In giving of himself to heal these women, they in return had ushered in the beginning of his own healing. Beautiful, isn’t it?

Love In The Midst Of Pain

“If you love those that love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them…. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.” Luke 6:32,35

Over the last few years, I have written about love, swam in the love of others, given love to those who need it and yearned to know the depth of God’s love. It was love that introduced me to the 80 widows in Kampala, Uganda that I now call friends. It was love that changed the course of my life and gave me purpose. It was love that gave me joy beyond measure. It was love that started and grew the Drocas Widows Fund. Love was my hero, my healer, my encourager, my closest friend, and my purpose in life.

So riding high on God’s great love, I came back to the US last August for a few months of rest overjoyed to be with my family and friends. My time at home was going to be one filled with laughter, love and the extreme joy of a heart’s desire being finally fulfilled. Every day I woke up excited to see what this new day would hold and feeling high on love’s sweet embrace. Months before I had invited Jesus to see the secret desires of my heart…longings that go unspoken, but are yearned for just the same. It was this tender place that I thought love had finally found. Day by day, I was watching love give me the desires I had always secretly longed for. Love was victorious and powerful…nothing could stand in its way.

Somehow I didn’t notice the dark clouds forming overhead. I thought love was invincible, untouchable and always resulted in joy. It never crossed my mind that love could be overpowered. Then suddenly a storm with the size and intensity of Katrina swept through my life and shattered my whole existence. An emotional tidal wave knocked me down and left me drowning in loneliness and despair. I was left emotionally bruised and battered. The pain was excruciating. This kind of pain was new to me. I had never before in the entirety of my life, lived with such gut wrenching pain. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get out of bed in the morning. The exhaustion I felt every day was oppressive…somehow the weight of the world had attached itself to my shoulders. I cried gallons upon gallons of tears. Those closest to me saw me slipping into a depression of darkness and confusion. One day I accidentally put my phone in the washing machine ruining it completely. I became forgetful and had trouble concentrating on even the simplest of tasks. I was weak, incredibly wounded and unsure if I would ever survive this great chasm of sadness. In this state of unending darkness, I kept asking where love was…why was it not more powerful than the rejection and betrayal I was experiencing? Why had it brought me here? Why had it exposed my tender place only to leave it unprotected? Why had this love ended in complete failure?

In late March as Easter approached, I have never in my life felt such a connection with Good Friday. As I sat bleary eyed and numb in the church, I stared intensely at the cross. In the quiet darkness, a thought floated through the stillness of my mind…”Kari for me the cross was both boundless love and unimaginable pain.” But Jesus, how can that kind of unfathomable pain and life giving love exist together? The thought captivated me for the rest of the service. Here I was in the midst of my own dark night of the soul…a blinding despair…a bone crushing loneliness dragging my weary self to the foot of the cross asking why love can be overshadowed by pain. I had loved so well…I had given all of myself to the success of another person…I had put my needs last and theirs first…I had spoken words of love and encouragement only to be met with rejection and betrayal. I opened my heart fully only to be struck down. “Kari…did I not experience the same? Is the servant better than the master? Do you still only love those who love you? Even the sinners do that. True love just loves no matter the outcome.” Those last haunting words rang in my ears and began to unsettle my heart. Tears started to run down my face and I knew I had to accept the pain if I was ever going to be truly healed…if I was ever going to truly learn to love.

As they went through the Stations of the Cross, I saw Judas like I had never seen him before. Jesus loved Judas for 3 years…encouraging him, teaching him, comforting him, meeting his needs, being his friend, showing him the beauty of God’s great love and power…only to be betrayed and rejected. The pain of that betrayal was beyond what we can ever imagine or even comprehend. There is no greater lover of our souls than Jesus and still the one he loved rejected and betrayed him. Still today, people reject the love Jesus offers even as he loves them and gives them good gifts. A hard, painful truth was beginning to emerge in the ashes of my heart…love is good, powerful, mighty, glorious, joyful, but only to those who chose to receive it. “Will you still offer love even when people reject your offering? My darling, in doing that you will truly learn what I have created love to be.” Jesus whispered ever so softly to my aching heart. After some time, I could only honestly reply, “I don’t think I can survive another rejection. Maybe, I am just too weak to make love my purpose in life.” In the gentlest of voices Jesus said, “Where you are weak, I, my dear, am strong. I will never leave you alone. Your love will be my love. Good Friday was not the end, I rose on Easter giving love the final word. Rejection will wound you, but love will always heal you.”

For the past two months, I have clung to that truth whispered to my heart in the darkness of that Good Friday service. A few days later, I was looking for a new ring tone for my new phone when I came across Chris Tomlin’s new song, “I Will Rise.” So, now every time my phone rings, I hear Chris Tomlin sing, “I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise.” Ever so slowly, Jesus has lifted me out of the darkness, the despair and the crushing loneliness. He continues to call my name and keep his promise to never leave me. In fact, last week I was walking my dog around the lake on a beautiful spring day, when I heard Sara Groves sing, “Friend even though your heart is raw, Love is still a worthy cause.” As I heard those words echo in my ears, I felt a surge of emotion rise to the surface. Even in the pain, even despite the scars that will rest in my heart for the rest of my life, love is still the most worthy of causes. For in loving like Jesus, we become like him and just as his scars healed and became symbols of love’s greatest sacrifice, ours will too.

So, now in a couple of weeks, I will return to the place where my heart loves as I am loved. Where my still bruised and wounded heart can be loved and can receive healing. The women of the Dorcas Widows Ministry have known rejection and heartache more than I ever will and yet they have taught me that healing is possible in relationships where God’s love resides. With still weak knees and a frail heart, I am going to recommit myself to love no matter the cost remembering that as more wounds come I will be healed because that is what love does.

I Remember...

“Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” Isaiah 49:13

Hey Lord…Do you see me here? I want to sing a song for you…something altogether beautiful…full of joy! Here I am hiding in your shadow, clutching the bottom of your cloak…following behind you. I wanted to be where you are…go where you are going and to see what you will see today. I just want to be with you. Spending time with you is always so peaceful…so exciting…so thought provoking…so easy. Our intimacy knows no boundaries. We are always discovering new things about each other…learning new ways to love each other. Your love for me always heals my wounds, gives power to my dreams and creates peace amidst the chaos.

It is in these tender moments that I let my heart open completely and pour out all my hopes, fears, joys and sorrows. Today as I talk to you I am remembering my dear friends…the women we love with such great ferocity and abandon.

I am remembering Ida, Jaja, Obia and Jane. They have struggled with pain and sickness for months now. They love you and call out to you to be their healer. HIV is eating away at their bodies and they seem powerless to fight it. But, you, my compassionate friend, can give them mercy and healing. You can encourage them in their deepest places. Tell them that their bodies are only temporary…their affliction will only last for a night, but your rest…your healing will last for all of eternity. Lord, my friends are crying…my friends are in pain…my friends are weak. You say that you are strong in our weaknesses, so send your great strength to them. I want to see your beauty in their lives…your strength in their weakness.

I am remembering Josephine, Susan and Betty. They have all lost someone they love recently to the grave. They are grieving and pouring out their sadness to your listening ear. Betty is weak in spirit and body and is lost in her despair over losing her granddaughter. Her heart aches and she wonders how she will go on living. Susan lost her mother last week and is nursing her gravely ill sister as well. She feels overwhelmed with grief, despair and exhaustion. Will her suffering ever see an end? Josephine lost her coworker and her friend. Her heart is left with a gaping hole where her friend’s laughter and love used to be. Lord, you long to comfort your people. Reach your arms around them and shower them with love. Lead them beside the path of grief and with your gentle healing hand turn their mourning into rejoicing. When they lose all their strength and their tears cannot be stopped give them your tender comfort and your magnificent strength.

I am remembering all the widows who are looking for school fees for their children. These women long to give their children a hope and a future…one where poverty cannot find them and where they can become all that God has created them to be. It is the deepest cry of their heart to pay the school fees of their children. Even now Ida is rejoicing that her daughter passed her exams and is now able to move to Senior 5. We rejoice with her! Oh great Jehovah, Provider…husband to the widow, open up opportunities for the children of these women to be in school. We thank you for the sponsors we have so far and pray for many more to come. We also ask that you open up scholarships and other sources of funding for these dear children. I also remember that you can do more than we can ask or imagine, so we will await your provision and praise you when it comes!

I am remembering the prayer you prayed for us when you were last here. You prayed that we would be unified and that we would love each other, so that the whole world would know that love was your deepest desire. Lord, please teach us to love each other. The widows of the Dorcas Widows Ministry want to be unified and to be great lovers of people. Where there is jealousy…root it out. Where there is disharmony…create peace. Where there is mistrust…speak your truth. Most of all, give us a deep abiding love for each other. Help us reflect your unity…your joy and more importantly you love.

Thank you for your love for us. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for your tender healing. I love you Jesus and I love following you. I just love being with you.

A Prayer For Those We Love

“Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well: the Lord will raise him up.” James 5: 13-15

Recently, I received some prayer requests from the widows. So here I am on my knees in God’s throne room beseeching Him on their behalf. Please join me if you can…

Here I am Father…it’s me…I’ve come to see you, spend time with you and to enjoy you. There is no one else like you…You are the most powerful being in the universe and yet you are so incredibly tender. In your eyes, I am beautiful and in my eyes you one that loves me the best. You see my potential and create opportunities for my success. You forgive me when I hurt you; and when I deserve judgment, you give me mercy instead. Our relationship is so intimate, so vulnerable and yet so safe. You long to be with me as I long to be with you. So, here I am snuggled up close to you…relaxed in the safety of your love and peace. I love to bask in the glow of your love. It warms me to the core. As I lay my head against you and let our love for each other wash over me, I want to tell you what is on my heart.

I am not here today to talk about me. Today my tears are for my friends…the other women you so tenderly love. Lord, your widows are crying…

Oh, my great healer, Jane is so very sick. AIDS and TB are wreaking havoc in her body causing her great pain and suffering. She is in desperate need of your healing. All it would take is one word from your mouth, yet I bow my will for her life to yours. Lord, she has been in and out of the hospital in the last two weeks. Her body is fighting, but she is losing her strength and she is scared that this is the end. Please go to her…comfort her…if you are leading her home, take her by the hand and show her every step of the way. Give her peace amidst her suffering. Give her relief from the constant pain. You promise to be with us always…so be with her…don’t leave her.

Oh, my Great Lover, she is not the only one who is sick. Ida is also suffering as HIV weakens and destroys her body. She is confined to her bed and wondering where you are. My great love…please go to her and shower her with love…flood your love in such a great torrent around her that she drowns in your love for her. Her medicine makes her nauseous and feverish. Lord, these new medicines she is taking are not working. They are making her feel worse. Oh, God of Justice, please stand up for her. Send someone to give her the right medicine…medicine that creates health, not destroys it.

Oh, my provider, Rosemary has been evicted from her home and has nowhere to go. You and Rosemary are so close. Your love for each other is so evident her eyes. As her great provider…her husband…open up a place for her to live…put a roof over her head. Give Suzanne discernment in finding a new place for her. I give you the glory and honor for the people who have given to the Dorcas Widows Fund, as we now have money to find her a new place to live. Thank you for allowing us the stand in the gap with her. I love being your hands and feet!

Oh, my comforter, Betty is grieving the loss of her grand daughter. Sickness came like a thief in the night and stole her away. It was so sudden. First Betty lost her own child and now she has lost her grand child. Enough is enough. She is tired of grieving and of losing the ones she loves. Lord, she wonders why…why they had to die and yet she lives? She needs you to hold her while she weeps…to give her your complete comfort. Her sadness knows no end, yet you promise to turn our mourning into dancing. Through Betty’s mourning may she experience you in a powerful way…where she feels only weakness, may you surprise her with strength…where she feels only sadness, may you surprise her with joy…where she feels only loss and loneliness, may you surprise her with friends that love her!

Oh, giver of mercy, the widows are feeling so overwhelmed with all their daily responsibilities…paying school fees, getting food for their families to eat, paying house rent, getting simple supplies to live…sometimes it all seems too much to bear and they are in desperate need of your intervention. They are so tired…can you give them even some rest from this daily stress? I humbly ask you to move any heart in your care to help these women pay school fees for their children. Where someone has plenty…move them to give it to them. I want to be like you and love like you, so move me, move those I love and move those I don’t know to meet the needs of these women.

Well, my love, as you collect my tears remember who they were for. I am curled up next to you begging you to love these women and to move in a powerful way on their behalf. I know how powerful even one word from you mouth is…it can shake the very foundations of the earth. So, with that complete confidence in your ability to love and provide for these women, I leave these words in the palm of your hand. I love that I can trust you and believe wholly in your goodness and mercy.

Much love to my powerful warrior & my soul’s deepest lover,
Kari

Another Atypical New Year’s letter: Love’s Freedom

The Way I Was Made
Performed by Chris Tomlin
“Arriving”

“…Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today would be the day I go free

I want to live like there is no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one is around
I want to sing like nobody is listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the “man” I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made”

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life”

~Music and lyrics by Chris Tomlin


Ever since I read the famous children’s story, “The Velveteen Rabbit” I have marveled at how the rabbit became real. That stuffed bunny wanted to live and move and eat and play just like a real live rabbit. He wanted it so much it almost drove him crazy with desire, but even so he wanted to love the boy more than he wanted his freedom. So it was an incredible turn of events that in loving the boy with all that he had he became real. No longer was he a stuffed animal sitting on the boy’s bed…a mere plaything, he was real…alive…able to move at his own will…able to choose where to go and when. It was a deep glorious freedom he had never known before. In loving this boy with his entire being he had somehow released himself from the bondage of cotton stuffing, buttons and faded satin and became his truest self…the one he was meant to be.

I love Chris Tomlin’s song “The Way I Was Made” because it is a declaration of freedom. It is a demand to be released from all that tries to hold us to being tame…to being fearful…to being less than we were made to be. In fact the fist time I heard it my soul screamed the lyrics from somewhere deep within me. I remember being alone in my house shouting these lyrics at the top of my lungs longing for the day, just like the rabbit, when I would be real…alive…free…I would be exactly who God made me to be. No more pretending, no more holding myself back, no more trying to look the part, no more fear. Love was the deepest cry of my heart in 2008 and in learning to love, I have been led to freedom. Sweet, glorious, beautiful, exhilarating freedom which interestingly only exists as you love and are loved.

“I want to live like there is no tomorrow”
I lived most of 2008 in Kampala, Uganda. Amidst a world in financial crisis when it seemed holding on tightly to what you have was the best way to proceed, I sold my home, I left my job, I gave some of my furniture away and I bought a plane ticket to Kampala to be with the ones I love. Over the last two years, I have fallen in love with some beautiful women who happen to be widows…who happen to be poor…and many of who happen to be sick. But, I just know them as Joyce, Aida, Josephine, Margaret, Jane, Rebecca, Ruth, Rosemary…I could go on and on. Each woman is so unique and a treasured friend. I wanted to live with them and know them deeply. We loved each other and grew intimate friendships. When I left the US, I didn’t care whether my financial world would come crumbling down around my ears or if my job would still be there, I just wanted to live…to breathe in God’s great beauty…to become intoxicated on love…to swim in an ocean of peace. To live like my friends did…fully in the moment resting in the knowledge that God is big enough to provide for my needs. I squeezed every drop of life out of every day and I lived like there was no tomorrow.

“I want to dance like no one is around, I want to sing like nobody is listening”
Every Tuesday, I met the ladies at Logogo Baptist Church. I remember speeding through Kampala on the back of a motorbike (Boda Boda) not wanting to miss a minute of our time together and especially not wanting to be late. Whenever any of us arrived late to the meeting, we would have to dance for the rest of the group. I had, so far, not had to endure this comical “punishment,” but on more than one occasion I had watched several of the women dance and sing for the rest of the group. It always ended in hilarious fits of laughter, but since I didn’t know the dances to begin with I wanted to make sure I was never late.

As I sat on the back of the Boda Boda, I realized that I was not going to make it on time. I would have to dance, I would have to sing and there would be an audience. Yikes! When I arrived, I walked sheepishly towards them smiling my best, “please don’t make me dance and sing in front of all these people” smile. Suddenly, Joyce and Josephine were at my side hugging and welcoming me, for a moment I thought they may have forgotten; but then Joyce said with a gleam in her eye, “We are all so excited to watch you dance.” I took a deep breath, exhaled and then looked around to see who was watching. We were out in the middle of the compound so I was easily seen by the people walking by the church, every Bible study group in the adjacent rooms and the men constructing the new bathrooms on the property.

Suddenly, I smiled a great big smile and took a big leap of faith. Instead of fear, I chose freedom. I shook every part of my body that would shake and I started to sing, “Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me the Bible tells me so” at the top of my lungs. As you would imagine, a white woman with no rhythm and a tone deaf ear was quite a site to see. As I looked up I saw the women laughing and holding their sides, but I also saw them rising. Suddenly we were all dancing and I was doing my best to copy their moves. Josephine then began to sing praise songs in Luo. Before I knew it I was dancing with wild abandon and singing in a language I didn’t know at the top of my lungs. About a half hour into it, we had quite a large group of onlookers, but I didn’t care. I was enveloped in joy. It was bursting out of my mouth, my fingers, my arms, my feet, my legs and yes, even my hips. I laughed until my sides hurt and my cheeks ached, but I kept dancing and singing. At that moment, HIV, hunger, pain, loss, grief held no power over us, we were awash in joy! We were free!

“I want to give like I have plenty”
When I arrived in Kampala in February of last year, I made a conscious decision to give my money away to whoever needed it whenever I felt God telling me to do so. I didn’t tell anyone what I had decided nor did I want anyone to know it was from me, so I told them it was from the Dorcas Widows Fund, which at that time did not have an emergency fund. I wanted to see what God could do in the lives of those I loved if I treated money as something to give instead of something to keep.

Not long after I had arrived, I went to see Rosemary. She had sores all over her tongue making it difficult to talk and sores on her legs making it difficult to walk. She was in constant pain and had not been able to work in months. She also had a raging case of diabetes. Other widows were giving her and her family food in order to survive, but she was in desperate need of house rent and food. My heart broke for the pain my friend was enduring. It was my honor and privilege to give her enough to pay her back house rent and to buy groceries. Then Agnes called. Agnes is no more than 90 pounds and in a more advanced stage of AIDS. She had not eaten for a couple days and borrowed her neighbors phone to call me for help. I was able to provide some food and medical care for her. Soon, I was giving often and allowing God to break my heart for his beloved widows. I used to wrestle with God about how he could allow these women to be so destitute…so sick…so poor, until I realized that I was the one who knew them…who loved them…who could help meet some of their needs. He sent me to love them and to give them what God had given me. God had blessed me with a job and a savings account so I could bless them…simple Kingdom economics.

The trips to the ATM were no longer about me and what I wanted, but about who I could bless this week. God was using my money to quite literally save lives. That’s when I realized the money I had access to was not mine, it was what God has entrusted to me for my use and for the use of his kingdom. When I realized that I became fearless in giving. I gave all the money I had in my wallet at times, saving only coins to ride the bus home. Finally, I was free…money had no hold on me. I could have it and use it or give it and walk home, either way I gained this intense sense of life at it’s fullest.

It was then that Lisa, my friend from home and overseer of my bank accounts, began to see my savings dwindle. When she asked what I was doing with all the money, I was hesitant to tell her at first, but was itching to tell someone about what God was doing with all this money. As I told her how God was meeting the needs of these women, she told me that others may want to join my little revolution too. She also wanted to give away her money and watch God do amazing things. Thus, the Dorcas Widows Emergency Fund was born in late March. Now our fund provides emergency feeding, house rent, medical care and school fees. Thanks to many of you who have wanted to give with abandon, the Dorcas Widows Fund continues to help dozens of women in crisis.

“I want to love like I’m not afraid”
Over the last year I have fallen deeply in love. My whole heart and mind have become consumed with the very nature of love. With some fear and trembling, I have ventured deep into love’s unknown territory past the superficial love so common to our world and into the vulnerable places I once feared to go. In doing so I had to leave everything I had once used to protect my heart and instead continue the journey completely naked with only the great lover of my soul to protect me. It was risky to so completely expose myself to pain, heartache, and disappointment knowing that I could easily be wounded and scarred for life. So many times, I thought about turning back. I wanted to run at top speed and go back to that place where I wore the protective armor around my heart. Yet every time fear tried to beckon me back to safety, Jesus held my hand tight and walked me into love’s deeper places. I began to see that love is wider and deeper than I ever imagined and at its core exists a fierce wildness that cannot be tamed. It is both intoxicatingly beautiful and incredibly powerful. You are completely vulnerable, yet in that vulnerability there is great peace. It isn’t safe, but it is tender and full of compassion.

Chris Tomlin’s lyric found a home in my heart as I realized how well it communicated my deepest longing about this love that I have been experiencing. I want to love without fear…knowing the danger, but not fearing it. Knowing that love is the place where God’s spirit resides and where fear has no real power. Knowing full well that I will, at times, be wounded, but knowing in an even deeper place that the author of love will heal those wounds or use those scars to increase my capacity to give and receive His great beautiful love.

I love Jane and Jane loves me. I met her over a year ago and at our first meeting I was taken aback at how sick she was. She was no more than 90 pounds, frail and emotionally distraught. Her skeletal frame labored to breathe. Every few minutes she spit mucus into her handkerchief. AIDS and TB had taken residence inside of her and were wreaking tremendous havoc leaving her a mere shell of the person she once was. She was too sick to work, so her children were drinking tea or watered down porridge to stay alive. I remember her standing in front of me, shaking, sobbing, and begging the other widows to help feed her children. I had never seen such raw despair. I had never seen someone so sick and in so much misery. My first reaction was to step back, however shameful that is to admit, I wanted to run from it, to close my eyes and erase that painful memory from my mind. Fear gripped my heart and whispered in my ear, “Don’t get close to her. It will be uncomfortable for you. She will become a burden to you. She will beg from you constantly. She will die someday….can you really handle that? Are you strong enough to watch someone die?”

Later, when my mind settled and fear decided that his work was done for the day, a still small quiet voice whispered another message in my ear, “I tried to show you love today. I tried to show you how big and beautiful love is, but you refused to see it. Fear lied to you and you believed him. There is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved, but to experience it you have to stop protecting your heart…you have to stop weighing the cost…you have to stop imagining the pain it may cause you…instead you have to trust in my love for you…trust that I will protect you…and trust that love is worth the cost you may have to pay.” Immediately, a feeling of shame washed over me, I had come to Uganda to learn how to love like Jesus loves and instead I had refused the opportunity to love the woman Jesus loves. I cried that night over my own weakness and selfishness, but a small seed was planted that day in my soul…a small courage began to bubble up…with deep trembling I decided to reach out for the hand of Jesus and let him teach me how to love.

This last year, I went to her home almost every week and at times several times a week. We talked about everything from Ugandan politics to her first kiss under the mango tree. I learned that she loved to cook…something she learned from her late mother and that she has an incredibly artistic eye. She loves creating the beaded jewelry because it gives her an outlet to create true works of art. In quieter moments, she revealed that she deeply loves her children and wants to give them everything she possibly can. It is incredibly painful for her to know that she may never live long enough to see her children graduate from high school, get married or have children of their own. She feels deep guilt over the inevitability of leaving them orphans. Being an orphan herself she knows intimately the pain they will pass through. She was overwhelmingly grateful for the sponsor I found for her children. Now she was resting easier knowing that no matter what happens to her, her children will still be able to go to school. I also began to share my own joys and sorrows with her. I told her intimate things about myself. I let her know me deeply and completely. Sometimes, I cried over my own pain as she held me and prayed with me. Suddenly, I realized one day that I loved her…I really truly loved her.

My love for her is real and deep. She is an amazing woman full of wisdom, love, patience and great courage. She is compassionate and unbelievably generous. Yet I know that she lives with an incurable disease. One day AIDS will take her from me and I will mourn and not be comforted. I will scream in agony and shed a thousand tears. It is a deep pain that I know is coming. It is a wound that will pierce a tender place in my heart and I have nothing to protect myself. Everything I once feared will come to pass, but not in the way I thought. Now I consider it pure joy to pay medical bills for my friend. I am elated to take care of her children and give them what they need to survive. Yes, I will watch her die, and it is more painful than words can express, but the love I have experienced with her is worth it. She is worth it. This love between us is powerful, beautiful, intoxicating, uncontrollable and incredibly tender. It will leave me with a scar, but I am confident that God will use it for his glory. Even though Jane will die, love will live.


“I want to be the “man” I was meant to be. I want to be the way I was made”
This year I lived like there was no tomorrow, I danced like no one was around, I sang like no one was listening, I gave like I had plenty and I loved even though at times I am still afraid. With many apologies to Chris Tomlin, I became the woman I was meant to be and got a taste of being the way I was made…of living the life I was meant to live. Love made it all possible…love makes each moment worth living, it is the music we dance to, it is the song we sing, the reason we give…and that perfect love drives out all fear allowing us to love others deeply from the heart. Living a life so devoted to love allows me to live as my truest self…the way I was meant to be. As I have become enveloped in love I have experienced total and complete freedom and it is exihirating!!

So this is the place I find myself as 2009 begins. If you see me around you know the anthem my heart will be singing and I invite you to sing along.