Love In The Midst Of Pain

“If you love those that love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them…. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.” Luke 6:32,35

Over the last few years, I have written about love, swam in the love of others, given love to those who need it and yearned to know the depth of God’s love. It was love that introduced me to the 80 widows in Kampala, Uganda that I now call friends. It was love that changed the course of my life and gave me purpose. It was love that gave me joy beyond measure. It was love that started and grew the Drocas Widows Fund. Love was my hero, my healer, my encourager, my closest friend, and my purpose in life.

So riding high on God’s great love, I came back to the US last August for a few months of rest overjoyed to be with my family and friends. My time at home was going to be one filled with laughter, love and the extreme joy of a heart’s desire being finally fulfilled. Every day I woke up excited to see what this new day would hold and feeling high on love’s sweet embrace. Months before I had invited Jesus to see the secret desires of my heart…longings that go unspoken, but are yearned for just the same. It was this tender place that I thought love had finally found. Day by day, I was watching love give me the desires I had always secretly longed for. Love was victorious and powerful…nothing could stand in its way.

Somehow I didn’t notice the dark clouds forming overhead. I thought love was invincible, untouchable and always resulted in joy. It never crossed my mind that love could be overpowered. Then suddenly a storm with the size and intensity of Katrina swept through my life and shattered my whole existence. An emotional tidal wave knocked me down and left me drowning in loneliness and despair. I was left emotionally bruised and battered. The pain was excruciating. This kind of pain was new to me. I had never before in the entirety of my life, lived with such gut wrenching pain. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get out of bed in the morning. The exhaustion I felt every day was oppressive…somehow the weight of the world had attached itself to my shoulders. I cried gallons upon gallons of tears. Those closest to me saw me slipping into a depression of darkness and confusion. One day I accidentally put my phone in the washing machine ruining it completely. I became forgetful and had trouble concentrating on even the simplest of tasks. I was weak, incredibly wounded and unsure if I would ever survive this great chasm of sadness. In this state of unending darkness, I kept asking where love was…why was it not more powerful than the rejection and betrayal I was experiencing? Why had it brought me here? Why had it exposed my tender place only to leave it unprotected? Why had this love ended in complete failure?

In late March as Easter approached, I have never in my life felt such a connection with Good Friday. As I sat bleary eyed and numb in the church, I stared intensely at the cross. In the quiet darkness, a thought floated through the stillness of my mind…”Kari for me the cross was both boundless love and unimaginable pain.” But Jesus, how can that kind of unfathomable pain and life giving love exist together? The thought captivated me for the rest of the service. Here I was in the midst of my own dark night of the soul…a blinding despair…a bone crushing loneliness dragging my weary self to the foot of the cross asking why love can be overshadowed by pain. I had loved so well…I had given all of myself to the success of another person…I had put my needs last and theirs first…I had spoken words of love and encouragement only to be met with rejection and betrayal. I opened my heart fully only to be struck down. “Kari…did I not experience the same? Is the servant better than the master? Do you still only love those who love you? Even the sinners do that. True love just loves no matter the outcome.” Those last haunting words rang in my ears and began to unsettle my heart. Tears started to run down my face and I knew I had to accept the pain if I was ever going to be truly healed…if I was ever going to truly learn to love.

As they went through the Stations of the Cross, I saw Judas like I had never seen him before. Jesus loved Judas for 3 years…encouraging him, teaching him, comforting him, meeting his needs, being his friend, showing him the beauty of God’s great love and power…only to be betrayed and rejected. The pain of that betrayal was beyond what we can ever imagine or even comprehend. There is no greater lover of our souls than Jesus and still the one he loved rejected and betrayed him. Still today, people reject the love Jesus offers even as he loves them and gives them good gifts. A hard, painful truth was beginning to emerge in the ashes of my heart…love is good, powerful, mighty, glorious, joyful, but only to those who chose to receive it. “Will you still offer love even when people reject your offering? My darling, in doing that you will truly learn what I have created love to be.” Jesus whispered ever so softly to my aching heart. After some time, I could only honestly reply, “I don’t think I can survive another rejection. Maybe, I am just too weak to make love my purpose in life.” In the gentlest of voices Jesus said, “Where you are weak, I, my dear, am strong. I will never leave you alone. Your love will be my love. Good Friday was not the end, I rose on Easter giving love the final word. Rejection will wound you, but love will always heal you.”

For the past two months, I have clung to that truth whispered to my heart in the darkness of that Good Friday service. A few days later, I was looking for a new ring tone for my new phone when I came across Chris Tomlin’s new song, “I Will Rise.” So, now every time my phone rings, I hear Chris Tomlin sing, “I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise.” Ever so slowly, Jesus has lifted me out of the darkness, the despair and the crushing loneliness. He continues to call my name and keep his promise to never leave me. In fact, last week I was walking my dog around the lake on a beautiful spring day, when I heard Sara Groves sing, “Friend even though your heart is raw, Love is still a worthy cause.” As I heard those words echo in my ears, I felt a surge of emotion rise to the surface. Even in the pain, even despite the scars that will rest in my heart for the rest of my life, love is still the most worthy of causes. For in loving like Jesus, we become like him and just as his scars healed and became symbols of love’s greatest sacrifice, ours will too.

So, now in a couple of weeks, I will return to the place where my heart loves as I am loved. Where my still bruised and wounded heart can be loved and can receive healing. The women of the Dorcas Widows Ministry have known rejection and heartache more than I ever will and yet they have taught me that healing is possible in relationships where God’s love resides. With still weak knees and a frail heart, I am going to recommit myself to love no matter the cost remembering that as more wounds come I will be healed because that is what love does.