Climbing Out Of The Pit

“Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalm 103: 2-5

Have you ever woken up to find that you are deep inside a pit? Life has suddenly begun to collapse around you and it feels as if you might suffocate under the weight of it all. You can’t tell anymore whether it was the foolish choices you made or the foolish choices of others that dug the pit so deep. All you know is that you are in a dark, dank place with little hope of rescue. As if that is not enough, the pit seems to be filling with the heaviness of fear and despair. Everything you try to get yourself out only sinks you deeper. The air begins to feel scarce and panic becomes your closest friend. You begin to wonder if anyone will find you. Will any one care enough to come looking?

Rachel had fallen into a deep pit. Her husband died in 2000 of AIDS, leaving her HIV positive. Losing him was devastating, but equally as devastating was realizing that she was faithful to a man who slept with other women. How do you mourn someone and at the same time burn with rage?

When did he have time to have these affairs? I cooked dinner every night. I took care of our children. I listened to you as told me about the stresses of your day. I mourned with you when our last-born child died in infancy. We walked through this deep valley of grief together and emerged on the other side. Our marriage seemed strong and intimate, was it all an illusion? Why did he do it? Was I not enough? Am I not beautiful? Did he not love me? Was I a bad wife? Was I not a good lover? The questions came at her at lightening speed and tormented her day in and day out.

Each day she nursed her husband to his death and sometimes it took everything in her to care for him—to show compassion to him, to clean him, to listen to his cries. She felt guilty sometimes that she wanted him to suffer. He had broken their sacred bond and had brought death into the house. Finally, he breathed his last and even in her anger, her heart broke. She had loved him. He had been handsome. She remembered falling in love with him. How sweet that time was. She was his princess. Their love was sweet and intoxicating. What went wrong? She had gone from deliriously happy bride, to radiant mother, to ignored wife, to diseased widow. Her emotions swirled inside her like a tempest. They were unpredictable and all consuming. They drove her deep into a pit of fear and despair.

Deep in that pit with her were her two children and the only child of her dead sister. She couldn’t loose it completely; those children depended on her for food, school fees and a safe place to live. She went to the clinic and started the ARV drugs in hopes that she might live long enough to see these children through school. When she feels good she sells small vegetables at the market. She struggles to feed them everyday and to pay their school fees. Now she is being chased away from the one room shack that is her home. They city has condemned it and in doing so condemned her.

Ruth, Elizabeth and I went to visit Rachel. As I approached the wooden structure, she was sitting on a small stool staring off into the distance. When we caught her attention she welcomed us towards her. We sat outside her home in silence for a couple of minutes. Taking her hand in mine, I asked her how she was doing. That is all it took for the floodgates to open. She began to weep while I stroked her arm and her shoulders. We listened as Rachel told us about her pit. It seemed so deep and so dark, but we didn’t let go of her. The other widows gathered around her. She told us every detail. We saw the ugly face of fear. We heard the cries of despair and desperation. We sensed the wildness of rage. We listened and were not intimidated by these bullies of emotion. We held Rachel as she let out all that she was working so hard to keep locked inside of her. Then we prayed to the one who rescues us from even our deepest wounds.

The widows asked Jesus to come with his powerful weapon of love and surround Rachel. They asked him to wage war against her fear and desperation. They asked him to hold her in the palm of his hand. They asked him to reach down into her darkness and shine his great light. As they prayed a powerful sense of love and power filled that place. Rachel’s breathing calmed down and she seemed a little more at peace. We each looked at her and said over and over, “You are not alone. God will not leave you and we will not leave you.” She meekly said, “Thank you. I do love Jesus and I want to be free from this pain. Thank you for coming, I needed to know that God still cares about me.”

In that moment God’s great hand of rescue reached down into her pit and gave her hope in a way out. His light shone down breaking the blackest part of her darkness. She is not yet healed completely, but she is in a community of widows that will not abandon her into the pit. They will stand with her and remind her of God’s faithfulness and compassion. They will hold her when she cries and wage war against the evil forces of fear, despair and rage. Her healing has begun and slowly by slowly it will be completed. There will be a day when a crown will be placed on her head that shines with love and compassion.

Update on the widows:

I have now visited 65 widows and, yes, I do know them by name. I have become their adopted daughter and am called, “my baby,” on a number of occasions. They even gave me an Acholi name this week—Akello which means “bringer of good gifts.” I am a part of them and they are a part of me. It is a relationship that goes deep and one I am exceedingly grateful for. I love them. It breaks my heart to think about leaving them. In fact, I broke down crying with Joyce the widow the other day. She just held me and rubbed my back as I sunk into her shoulder. She just whispered, “Trust the Lord. God has a plan for you that is good. Don’t forget that. He will love you and he will bring you back to us. Let God have it.” Widows truly are God’s beloved wives.

I have compiled some statistics about their issues I thought you might find interesting. I have about 40 more needs assessments to go so it is not completed, but it should give you a sense of the group. 40% are HIV positive, 38% have TB, Malaria or other serious health problems, 83% are taking care of children that are not their own of those 65% are children of dead relatives, 75% have 5 or more children that they are responsible for and 21% have 10 or more children they are responsible for. It is staggering to take it all in and even more overwhelming to know that the people that are hurting are those that I love. Agnes came to the office the other day. She is HIV positive and just barely more than skin and bones. She told me that she had been awake all night with very painful ulcers, but she could not afford the medicine. So, she asked if I knew anyone who could buy her beaded necklaces, so she could get enough to buy the $12 medication. Needless to say, every woman in my family will now have a beautiful beaded necklace made by Agnes the widow. It is my hope to bring some of the necklaces back home and sell them so that people like Agnes can earn enough money to live and care for themselves.

I am meeting with the executive committee tomorrow about the 4 different possibilities of land. It is my hope a decision will be made within the week, but as always anything can happen. Then we will need to begin to raise money to build some small homes. We are getting close to our $15,000 goal, but are still short, so if you wish to help the widows please contact Lisatschetter@comcast.net

God is really doing some amazing things and it is beautiful to watch!

Update on my life:

Well, I only have 3 weeks left and when I am alone at night, I cry with such intensity I am not sure even how to handle it. My heart has fallen in love with these people and this place. An American friend who lives here told me on Saturday that I needed to develop an emotional exit plan, and I think she is right because denial is definitely not working. This has been the best time in my life. I am so alive. I am so happy and I am so content. How do you find your heart’s desire and then leave it? Leaving will surely be the biggest thing I trust God for so far. Please pray for me!!!!!!!!

I will be home August 16th and staying with my parents until Sept. 1st. (I have a renter in my house until then) I will be starting work the last week of August and somehow re-entering my life. I may choose to leave Sprint, so I will keep you posted if I get a new phone number. I want a phone that can send text messages to phones here in Uganda. Anyway, I love you all and see you soon!

Kari