“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to the disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” Matthew 9:36-37
Shortly after I returned to Uganda, Ruth, one of my dearest widow friends came to me with an urgent request. Her eyes were blazing with concern and fierce determination as she grabbed my hands and sat me down next to her. “I am a mother,” she began, “and when mothers see children suffering they have to act.” I looked intently back at her and asked, “What happened Ruth?” She explained that she had been taking food to Jane some months ago when Jane was terribly sick. One day as she was bringing the food to Jane, a teenage boy followed her. When she left Jane’s place, she noticed the boy following her again. As she reached home, Ruth turned and asked the boy why he was following her. The boy was weak, thin and looked terribly sick. He fell to his knees and told Ruth that he was hungry. She asked him why he hadn’t eaten and where his parents were. He told her that his parents were dead and that he and his 3 other siblings were living alone.
At that point Ruth took him into her home and began cooking for him. She fed him and sent him home with food for his siblings. He thanked her and then slowly made his way back to the room he was living in. The house they were living in had been sold when their father died and then rented out to different men. The current man living there allowed them to stay in one room of the house.
Since that day, Ruth had been feeding these children and checking on them when she could. “We need to help them, Kari. They have no one and they are badly off.” Immediately, the medic and I left to see the children. The medic found the oldest teenage boy, Ben, in bed unable to move. He had diabetes and had been milking the same bottle of insulin for months with the same dull dirty needle. Giving himself the wrong dose of insulin could have killed him, yet he was still breathing. Ben also wondered if he was HIV positive, but had not yet been tested. Brenda, his 16 year old sister, was doing her best to care for him, but with nothing to eat in the house but the handouts they were receiving from Ruth; his diet was impossible to control. She also had to go out and look for food for her two younger brothers, Immanuel, 14, and Godfrey, 12.
The medic gave Ben the correct insulin dosage, a clean syringe and information about the right foods to eat to control his diabetes. I was just overwhelmed. Ben looked like he could die taking his next breath and the other children looked scared and hopeless. I thought of the verse in Matthew where Jesus looks on the crowd and describes them as looking harassed and helpless. These children were lost…completely lost…invisible to everyone but Ruth the widow.
The next day, I brought Annet, the Dorcas Widows Fund Sponsorship Coordinator, with me to talk to them in their own language. I wanted to know how they ended up so alone and so vulnerable. Annet has a kind and gentle spirit and she started talking to them slowly and with great compassion. The children warmed up to her and began to tell her their painful story. Both of their parents had contracted HIV. Their mother died first when Brenda was 5 and Godfrey was an infant. After their mother’s death, their father remarried a younger woman. Things were okay for a while, until their father’s new wife found out that he had given her HIV. Their father was already showing signs of the disease…becoming thin, weak and sickly. The new wife was furious and plotted revenge on her new husband. She decided to infect his oldest son, so she began to repeatedly rape Ben when the father was not around. It was a living nightmare. After a year or so, she also became too sick and left the father.
At 8 years old Brenda nursed her father and did all the cooking, even taking care of her two younger brothers. Their father died a slow painful death. For the next 5 years, he would yo-yo between better and worse until one day he went to sleep and never woke up. Their uncle had been supporting them while their father was alive, but now that he was dead the uncle sold their home to pay himself back for all the money he had spent caring for them. Ben was now the heir to his father’s land in the village, a very fertile land, one coveted by his relatives. The uncles then plotted to get the land, so they threatened to curse them if Ben or any of his siblings ever came back to the village. So, 3 years ago, these 4 children were left homeless, penniless and completely alone.
They began to beg the neighbors for food and that worked for a while, but after several months the neighbors grew tired of helping them. So, with no other option, Brenda began sleeping with men for food or some small money. Now for two years, selling her young body has kept them alive. Brenda stared at her hands looking hopeless and the room suddenly became very quiet. I fought back tears. I was both heart broken and furious that this was their reality. Annet spoke first, very softly. She too was overwhelmed with emotion. We both hugged Brenda and told her that God had heard her cries and had sent us to help them. I looked at all of them and said, “We will love you and take care of you. We see you and hear all you have passed through. This should never have happened to you, but God will redeem even this. Just wait and see.”
First things first, Annet took the children to be tested for HIV. We all feared the worst especially for Ben and Brenda, but much to our delight all the children tested negative. The next day Annet and Ruth took the children to the market and bought enough food for two months including pots, pans, plates, charcoal…everything they needed to be healthy and to cook for themselves. Annet called me later and told me that the children were running around the yard singing, dancing, laughing and jumping. This was the first time in years that someone had given them something more than one meal. They were overjoyed.
I wanted more than that for them. I wanted to give them a hope and a future…isn’t that what Jesus would give them? I was at Cornerstone that day to meet with Dennis and Kristin about the possibility of getting the boys into their homes for street children. After some discussion, I found that there were two openings in the same home for the youngest boys. In this home, they would live with mentors who will love them, guide them and teach them to be men of God. Eventually, they will be able to go back to school. I was also able to get Brenda in their home for former prostitutes. There she will receive the counseling she so desperately needs and a chance to return to school.
The following day, Annet told the Brenda, Immanuel and Godfrey the good news. They fell to the ground and began to cry. They just shook their head in disbelief. Brenda looked at Annet and said, “I never knew God would send me a white mother.” Annet held them and they all began to laugh and shout for joy. Before the boys could go to the home, we needed to purchase a mattress, bedding and a mosquito net for each of them to sleep on. Annet took the boys to the market to pick out their very first bed. Immanuel looked at Annet and said, “I never thought we would be rich. Only rich people sleep in beds.” Annet just laughed and hugged them. Brenda was also overjoyed to be given a new life…one where she doesn’t have to sell herself in order to survive. Because Ben is now 20, he is too old for these programs, but we are trying to help him look at some vocational programs where he could learn a trade and begin to work. In just a couple weeks God had given each of these children a new life…a new beginning…a future.
These children were indeed helpless and harassed with no one to defend them. Until one poor widow saw them and gave of what she had to help them. She fed them until I came back. Ruth knows my heart is close to widows and orphans. Immediately we intervened…we had compassion on them not just in words or prayers, but in action. The workers of Christ’s Kingdom are few…too few for the pain in this world, but the harvest is also more plentiful than we can imagine. I am confident that God will carry those children onto health, hope and great things. Is there anything better than to harvest the souls and potential of people? Jesus is calling all who follow in his ways…all who claim to know him and want to serve him to go out into the fields of harassed and helpless people and do something to help them grow and become; so we can harvest the potential of each of God’s beautiful creations.
Here is the letter I just received from Brenda:
Dear mum Kari,
I kindly greet you in the name of one and only Jesus Christ. And I would like you to know that you are really a gift sent to us from heaven. You really brought back hope and happiness to our family because when we became orphans we thought that everything had come to an end but in you we’ve restored love, joy and happiness and also got someone we can call mama and loves us very much.
We really thank you for the food and things you are sending and buying for us because before you helped us we sometimes used to sleep hungry because we had no money. But you’ve got to know that we love you so much but we can’t express but just to God that he may pay back whatever you are planting in us.
I won’t disappoint you. May the good Lord Bless you!!
From daughter Brenda
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Hope And Healing
“Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalms 103:3-5
God delights in using his people to heal the wounds of others. He longs to put us into relationships where we ease each other’s pain and heal each other’s diseases. It is only in community…in sharing our burdens with each other…that true healing can take place. To be healed we must honestly present the pain we feel and be willing to humbly accept what we must do to be healed. We must also be willing to give what another needs in order to be whole again. It has been my joy and privilege to watch this relationship develop between the widows and the doctor who came to help heal them.
In mid June I arrived back home…back in Kampala…back in Uganda. I came back with a medic who wanted to give his time to help the widows heal from their various diseases. He came as a willing servant…ready to pour himself into the treatment of 80 sick widows. He immediately set up a makeshift clinic in a local church. Ruth, one of the widow coordinators, helped translate for him as he examined each lady. She also took him to the homes of the women who were too sick to come to the clinic. The first week the medic was there, he saw women from morning until evening. He would take their hands look compassionately into their eyes and really listen to them. He saw them. He saw their pain and their discomfort. Then he was able to give them the correct medicine to relieve their suffering. The medic was so excited to be able to provide these sick women hope and relief.
One day Ruth took him to see Martha’s granddaughter, Tracy. For the last 6 years Tracey has been unable to walk. She has lived her life on the couch in Martha’s small concrete home. She is unable to even take herself to the bathroom and must wait to be carried. When the medic entered Martha’s home, he was horrified to find that Tracey’s femur bone was protruding from her upper thigh. For about a year now, a severe staff infection has eaten away the skin around the broken bone. This bone had been exposed for a year and she was in constant excruciating pain. However, Tracey never complained nor did she hate the world. She had a smile that lit up the whole room and continued to say, “One day God will heal me.” She saw a doctor, but he sent her home unwilling to treat her, as her grandmother did not have money. The medic just shook his head feeling both intense anger and deep compassion.
The next day, he took Tracey to the government hospital. As they entered the emergency room, he saw a man laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He had died waiting to be seen by the doctor. The waiting room was full of people in various stages of sickness and distress. The place smelled like death. They waited for hours only to be ignored. Finally, he bribed someone to get Tracey seen. She was taken back and examined by the doctor. Our medic paid for everything…the x ray, the x ray folder, the wheelchair ride, the treatment…everything had a price. They assured him they would give her a strong anti biotic and dress her exposed bone. He left her assuming she would be treated properly.
Later that night, Ruth called to tell the medic that Tracey had been sent home from the hospital. He was furious and frustrated. The next morning he went to Tracey’s house to find out what happened. Tracey told him that they took her in a room grabbed her exposed bone with their hands and broke it off. She said, she screamed and that it was a pain too excruciating for words. Then they gave her the equivalent of Tylenol and a simple antibiotic. The medic felt horrible for leaving her in that butcher’s shop…like he had somehow failed her in her weakest moment. This time he would treat her himself. He purchased some high powered antibiotic and some intense pain killers for her. He visited her almost daily and watched her treatment carefully.
Finally, it came time for the medic to go back home. He had spent a month healing these women…giving them back a feeling of peace and wellness. He had worked tirelessly to improve the health of all 80 women. It was amazing to see them improve and move without pain. As his time to leave approached, the women gathered to thank him for his love for them. They gave testimony after testimony about how God had used him to heal them. He gave all the credit for his service to God. The ladies then asked him what they could do for him. He said that he was apprehensive to reach home as there were some painful things awaiting him there. Immediately, the women rose, put him in the middle of the circle and began earnestly praying in LUgandan, in Luo and in English for his pain. He dropped to his knees and cried. For 10 minutes they pleaded with God to heal his heart. They were earnestly interceding for him…calling down emotional healing for him. After they stopped praying, the doctor was speechless. He said later that he felt God himself reach inside him and begin to heal that painful place of his.
After the meeting he had one more patient he wanted to see. We went to Martha’s house to see Tracey. She was there smiling from ear to ear. He was thrilled to see that the wound had closed completely and that the infection was nearly gone. For the first time in 6 years, Tracey was free of that staff infection. He told her that she would never hurt like that again and that she would now be able to use crutches and to move independently. She laughed and the whole house cheered. Then she gave the medic a letter. The letter thanked him for seeing her not as an invalid, but as a person with great worth and value. She said that she now believes that she has a future. She then said that she didn’t see him as a only a medic, but as a valuable servant of God. Somehow, his own pain lessened as he saw himself in her eyes.
In giving of himself to heal these women, they in return had ushered in the beginning of his own healing. Beautiful, isn’t it?
God delights in using his people to heal the wounds of others. He longs to put us into relationships where we ease each other’s pain and heal each other’s diseases. It is only in community…in sharing our burdens with each other…that true healing can take place. To be healed we must honestly present the pain we feel and be willing to humbly accept what we must do to be healed. We must also be willing to give what another needs in order to be whole again. It has been my joy and privilege to watch this relationship develop between the widows and the doctor who came to help heal them.
In mid June I arrived back home…back in Kampala…back in Uganda. I came back with a medic who wanted to give his time to help the widows heal from their various diseases. He came as a willing servant…ready to pour himself into the treatment of 80 sick widows. He immediately set up a makeshift clinic in a local church. Ruth, one of the widow coordinators, helped translate for him as he examined each lady. She also took him to the homes of the women who were too sick to come to the clinic. The first week the medic was there, he saw women from morning until evening. He would take their hands look compassionately into their eyes and really listen to them. He saw them. He saw their pain and their discomfort. Then he was able to give them the correct medicine to relieve their suffering. The medic was so excited to be able to provide these sick women hope and relief.
One day Ruth took him to see Martha’s granddaughter, Tracy. For the last 6 years Tracey has been unable to walk. She has lived her life on the couch in Martha’s small concrete home. She is unable to even take herself to the bathroom and must wait to be carried. When the medic entered Martha’s home, he was horrified to find that Tracey’s femur bone was protruding from her upper thigh. For about a year now, a severe staff infection has eaten away the skin around the broken bone. This bone had been exposed for a year and she was in constant excruciating pain. However, Tracey never complained nor did she hate the world. She had a smile that lit up the whole room and continued to say, “One day God will heal me.” She saw a doctor, but he sent her home unwilling to treat her, as her grandmother did not have money. The medic just shook his head feeling both intense anger and deep compassion.
The next day, he took Tracey to the government hospital. As they entered the emergency room, he saw a man laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He had died waiting to be seen by the doctor. The waiting room was full of people in various stages of sickness and distress. The place smelled like death. They waited for hours only to be ignored. Finally, he bribed someone to get Tracey seen. She was taken back and examined by the doctor. Our medic paid for everything…the x ray, the x ray folder, the wheelchair ride, the treatment…everything had a price. They assured him they would give her a strong anti biotic and dress her exposed bone. He left her assuming she would be treated properly.
Later that night, Ruth called to tell the medic that Tracey had been sent home from the hospital. He was furious and frustrated. The next morning he went to Tracey’s house to find out what happened. Tracey told him that they took her in a room grabbed her exposed bone with their hands and broke it off. She said, she screamed and that it was a pain too excruciating for words. Then they gave her the equivalent of Tylenol and a simple antibiotic. The medic felt horrible for leaving her in that butcher’s shop…like he had somehow failed her in her weakest moment. This time he would treat her himself. He purchased some high powered antibiotic and some intense pain killers for her. He visited her almost daily and watched her treatment carefully.
Finally, it came time for the medic to go back home. He had spent a month healing these women…giving them back a feeling of peace and wellness. He had worked tirelessly to improve the health of all 80 women. It was amazing to see them improve and move without pain. As his time to leave approached, the women gathered to thank him for his love for them. They gave testimony after testimony about how God had used him to heal them. He gave all the credit for his service to God. The ladies then asked him what they could do for him. He said that he was apprehensive to reach home as there were some painful things awaiting him there. Immediately, the women rose, put him in the middle of the circle and began earnestly praying in LUgandan, in Luo and in English for his pain. He dropped to his knees and cried. For 10 minutes they pleaded with God to heal his heart. They were earnestly interceding for him…calling down emotional healing for him. After they stopped praying, the doctor was speechless. He said later that he felt God himself reach inside him and begin to heal that painful place of his.
After the meeting he had one more patient he wanted to see. We went to Martha’s house to see Tracey. She was there smiling from ear to ear. He was thrilled to see that the wound had closed completely and that the infection was nearly gone. For the first time in 6 years, Tracey was free of that staff infection. He told her that she would never hurt like that again and that she would now be able to use crutches and to move independently. She laughed and the whole house cheered. Then she gave the medic a letter. The letter thanked him for seeing her not as an invalid, but as a person with great worth and value. She said that she now believes that she has a future. She then said that she didn’t see him as a only a medic, but as a valuable servant of God. Somehow, his own pain lessened as he saw himself in her eyes.
In giving of himself to heal these women, they in return had ushered in the beginning of his own healing. Beautiful, isn’t it?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Love In The Midst Of Pain
“If you love those that love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them…. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.” Luke 6:32,35
Over the last few years, I have written about love, swam in the love of others, given love to those who need it and yearned to know the depth of God’s love. It was love that introduced me to the 80 widows in Kampala, Uganda that I now call friends. It was love that changed the course of my life and gave me purpose. It was love that gave me joy beyond measure. It was love that started and grew the Drocas Widows Fund. Love was my hero, my healer, my encourager, my closest friend, and my purpose in life.
So riding high on God’s great love, I came back to the US last August for a few months of rest overjoyed to be with my family and friends. My time at home was going to be one filled with laughter, love and the extreme joy of a heart’s desire being finally fulfilled. Every day I woke up excited to see what this new day would hold and feeling high on love’s sweet embrace. Months before I had invited Jesus to see the secret desires of my heart…longings that go unspoken, but are yearned for just the same. It was this tender place that I thought love had finally found. Day by day, I was watching love give me the desires I had always secretly longed for. Love was victorious and powerful…nothing could stand in its way.
Somehow I didn’t notice the dark clouds forming overhead. I thought love was invincible, untouchable and always resulted in joy. It never crossed my mind that love could be overpowered. Then suddenly a storm with the size and intensity of Katrina swept through my life and shattered my whole existence. An emotional tidal wave knocked me down and left me drowning in loneliness and despair. I was left emotionally bruised and battered. The pain was excruciating. This kind of pain was new to me. I had never before in the entirety of my life, lived with such gut wrenching pain. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get out of bed in the morning. The exhaustion I felt every day was oppressive…somehow the weight of the world had attached itself to my shoulders. I cried gallons upon gallons of tears. Those closest to me saw me slipping into a depression of darkness and confusion. One day I accidentally put my phone in the washing machine ruining it completely. I became forgetful and had trouble concentrating on even the simplest of tasks. I was weak, incredibly wounded and unsure if I would ever survive this great chasm of sadness. In this state of unending darkness, I kept asking where love was…why was it not more powerful than the rejection and betrayal I was experiencing? Why had it brought me here? Why had it exposed my tender place only to leave it unprotected? Why had this love ended in complete failure?
In late March as Easter approached, I have never in my life felt such a connection with Good Friday. As I sat bleary eyed and numb in the church, I stared intensely at the cross. In the quiet darkness, a thought floated through the stillness of my mind…”Kari for me the cross was both boundless love and unimaginable pain.” But Jesus, how can that kind of unfathomable pain and life giving love exist together? The thought captivated me for the rest of the service. Here I was in the midst of my own dark night of the soul…a blinding despair…a bone crushing loneliness dragging my weary self to the foot of the cross asking why love can be overshadowed by pain. I had loved so well…I had given all of myself to the success of another person…I had put my needs last and theirs first…I had spoken words of love and encouragement only to be met with rejection and betrayal. I opened my heart fully only to be struck down. “Kari…did I not experience the same? Is the servant better than the master? Do you still only love those who love you? Even the sinners do that. True love just loves no matter the outcome.” Those last haunting words rang in my ears and began to unsettle my heart. Tears started to run down my face and I knew I had to accept the pain if I was ever going to be truly healed…if I was ever going to truly learn to love.
As they went through the Stations of the Cross, I saw Judas like I had never seen him before. Jesus loved Judas for 3 years…encouraging him, teaching him, comforting him, meeting his needs, being his friend, showing him the beauty of God’s great love and power…only to be betrayed and rejected. The pain of that betrayal was beyond what we can ever imagine or even comprehend. There is no greater lover of our souls than Jesus and still the one he loved rejected and betrayed him. Still today, people reject the love Jesus offers even as he loves them and gives them good gifts. A hard, painful truth was beginning to emerge in the ashes of my heart…love is good, powerful, mighty, glorious, joyful, but only to those who chose to receive it. “Will you still offer love even when people reject your offering? My darling, in doing that you will truly learn what I have created love to be.” Jesus whispered ever so softly to my aching heart. After some time, I could only honestly reply, “I don’t think I can survive another rejection. Maybe, I am just too weak to make love my purpose in life.” In the gentlest of voices Jesus said, “Where you are weak, I, my dear, am strong. I will never leave you alone. Your love will be my love. Good Friday was not the end, I rose on Easter giving love the final word. Rejection will wound you, but love will always heal you.”
For the past two months, I have clung to that truth whispered to my heart in the darkness of that Good Friday service. A few days later, I was looking for a new ring tone for my new phone when I came across Chris Tomlin’s new song, “I Will Rise.” So, now every time my phone rings, I hear Chris Tomlin sing, “I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise.” Ever so slowly, Jesus has lifted me out of the darkness, the despair and the crushing loneliness. He continues to call my name and keep his promise to never leave me. In fact, last week I was walking my dog around the lake on a beautiful spring day, when I heard Sara Groves sing, “Friend even though your heart is raw, Love is still a worthy cause.” As I heard those words echo in my ears, I felt a surge of emotion rise to the surface. Even in the pain, even despite the scars that will rest in my heart for the rest of my life, love is still the most worthy of causes. For in loving like Jesus, we become like him and just as his scars healed and became symbols of love’s greatest sacrifice, ours will too.
So, now in a couple of weeks, I will return to the place where my heart loves as I am loved. Where my still bruised and wounded heart can be loved and can receive healing. The women of the Dorcas Widows Ministry have known rejection and heartache more than I ever will and yet they have taught me that healing is possible in relationships where God’s love resides. With still weak knees and a frail heart, I am going to recommit myself to love no matter the cost remembering that as more wounds come I will be healed because that is what love does.
Over the last few years, I have written about love, swam in the love of others, given love to those who need it and yearned to know the depth of God’s love. It was love that introduced me to the 80 widows in Kampala, Uganda that I now call friends. It was love that changed the course of my life and gave me purpose. It was love that gave me joy beyond measure. It was love that started and grew the Drocas Widows Fund. Love was my hero, my healer, my encourager, my closest friend, and my purpose in life.
So riding high on God’s great love, I came back to the US last August for a few months of rest overjoyed to be with my family and friends. My time at home was going to be one filled with laughter, love and the extreme joy of a heart’s desire being finally fulfilled. Every day I woke up excited to see what this new day would hold and feeling high on love’s sweet embrace. Months before I had invited Jesus to see the secret desires of my heart…longings that go unspoken, but are yearned for just the same. It was this tender place that I thought love had finally found. Day by day, I was watching love give me the desires I had always secretly longed for. Love was victorious and powerful…nothing could stand in its way.
Somehow I didn’t notice the dark clouds forming overhead. I thought love was invincible, untouchable and always resulted in joy. It never crossed my mind that love could be overpowered. Then suddenly a storm with the size and intensity of Katrina swept through my life and shattered my whole existence. An emotional tidal wave knocked me down and left me drowning in loneliness and despair. I was left emotionally bruised and battered. The pain was excruciating. This kind of pain was new to me. I had never before in the entirety of my life, lived with such gut wrenching pain. It took every ounce of energy I had just to get out of bed in the morning. The exhaustion I felt every day was oppressive…somehow the weight of the world had attached itself to my shoulders. I cried gallons upon gallons of tears. Those closest to me saw me slipping into a depression of darkness and confusion. One day I accidentally put my phone in the washing machine ruining it completely. I became forgetful and had trouble concentrating on even the simplest of tasks. I was weak, incredibly wounded and unsure if I would ever survive this great chasm of sadness. In this state of unending darkness, I kept asking where love was…why was it not more powerful than the rejection and betrayal I was experiencing? Why had it brought me here? Why had it exposed my tender place only to leave it unprotected? Why had this love ended in complete failure?
In late March as Easter approached, I have never in my life felt such a connection with Good Friday. As I sat bleary eyed and numb in the church, I stared intensely at the cross. In the quiet darkness, a thought floated through the stillness of my mind…”Kari for me the cross was both boundless love and unimaginable pain.” But Jesus, how can that kind of unfathomable pain and life giving love exist together? The thought captivated me for the rest of the service. Here I was in the midst of my own dark night of the soul…a blinding despair…a bone crushing loneliness dragging my weary self to the foot of the cross asking why love can be overshadowed by pain. I had loved so well…I had given all of myself to the success of another person…I had put my needs last and theirs first…I had spoken words of love and encouragement only to be met with rejection and betrayal. I opened my heart fully only to be struck down. “Kari…did I not experience the same? Is the servant better than the master? Do you still only love those who love you? Even the sinners do that. True love just loves no matter the outcome.” Those last haunting words rang in my ears and began to unsettle my heart. Tears started to run down my face and I knew I had to accept the pain if I was ever going to be truly healed…if I was ever going to truly learn to love.
As they went through the Stations of the Cross, I saw Judas like I had never seen him before. Jesus loved Judas for 3 years…encouraging him, teaching him, comforting him, meeting his needs, being his friend, showing him the beauty of God’s great love and power…only to be betrayed and rejected. The pain of that betrayal was beyond what we can ever imagine or even comprehend. There is no greater lover of our souls than Jesus and still the one he loved rejected and betrayed him. Still today, people reject the love Jesus offers even as he loves them and gives them good gifts. A hard, painful truth was beginning to emerge in the ashes of my heart…love is good, powerful, mighty, glorious, joyful, but only to those who chose to receive it. “Will you still offer love even when people reject your offering? My darling, in doing that you will truly learn what I have created love to be.” Jesus whispered ever so softly to my aching heart. After some time, I could only honestly reply, “I don’t think I can survive another rejection. Maybe, I am just too weak to make love my purpose in life.” In the gentlest of voices Jesus said, “Where you are weak, I, my dear, am strong. I will never leave you alone. Your love will be my love. Good Friday was not the end, I rose on Easter giving love the final word. Rejection will wound you, but love will always heal you.”
For the past two months, I have clung to that truth whispered to my heart in the darkness of that Good Friday service. A few days later, I was looking for a new ring tone for my new phone when I came across Chris Tomlin’s new song, “I Will Rise.” So, now every time my phone rings, I hear Chris Tomlin sing, “I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise.” Ever so slowly, Jesus has lifted me out of the darkness, the despair and the crushing loneliness. He continues to call my name and keep his promise to never leave me. In fact, last week I was walking my dog around the lake on a beautiful spring day, when I heard Sara Groves sing, “Friend even though your heart is raw, Love is still a worthy cause.” As I heard those words echo in my ears, I felt a surge of emotion rise to the surface. Even in the pain, even despite the scars that will rest in my heart for the rest of my life, love is still the most worthy of causes. For in loving like Jesus, we become like him and just as his scars healed and became symbols of love’s greatest sacrifice, ours will too.
So, now in a couple of weeks, I will return to the place where my heart loves as I am loved. Where my still bruised and wounded heart can be loved and can receive healing. The women of the Dorcas Widows Ministry have known rejection and heartache more than I ever will and yet they have taught me that healing is possible in relationships where God’s love resides. With still weak knees and a frail heart, I am going to recommit myself to love no matter the cost remembering that as more wounds come I will be healed because that is what love does.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I Remember...
“Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” Isaiah 49:13
Hey Lord…Do you see me here? I want to sing a song for you…something altogether beautiful…full of joy! Here I am hiding in your shadow, clutching the bottom of your cloak…following behind you. I wanted to be where you are…go where you are going and to see what you will see today. I just want to be with you. Spending time with you is always so peaceful…so exciting…so thought provoking…so easy. Our intimacy knows no boundaries. We are always discovering new things about each other…learning new ways to love each other. Your love for me always heals my wounds, gives power to my dreams and creates peace amidst the chaos.
It is in these tender moments that I let my heart open completely and pour out all my hopes, fears, joys and sorrows. Today as I talk to you I am remembering my dear friends…the women we love with such great ferocity and abandon.
I am remembering Ida, Jaja, Obia and Jane. They have struggled with pain and sickness for months now. They love you and call out to you to be their healer. HIV is eating away at their bodies and they seem powerless to fight it. But, you, my compassionate friend, can give them mercy and healing. You can encourage them in their deepest places. Tell them that their bodies are only temporary…their affliction will only last for a night, but your rest…your healing will last for all of eternity. Lord, my friends are crying…my friends are in pain…my friends are weak. You say that you are strong in our weaknesses, so send your great strength to them. I want to see your beauty in their lives…your strength in their weakness.
I am remembering Josephine, Susan and Betty. They have all lost someone they love recently to the grave. They are grieving and pouring out their sadness to your listening ear. Betty is weak in spirit and body and is lost in her despair over losing her granddaughter. Her heart aches and she wonders how she will go on living. Susan lost her mother last week and is nursing her gravely ill sister as well. She feels overwhelmed with grief, despair and exhaustion. Will her suffering ever see an end? Josephine lost her coworker and her friend. Her heart is left with a gaping hole where her friend’s laughter and love used to be. Lord, you long to comfort your people. Reach your arms around them and shower them with love. Lead them beside the path of grief and with your gentle healing hand turn their mourning into rejoicing. When they lose all their strength and their tears cannot be stopped give them your tender comfort and your magnificent strength.
I am remembering all the widows who are looking for school fees for their children. These women long to give their children a hope and a future…one where poverty cannot find them and where they can become all that God has created them to be. It is the deepest cry of their heart to pay the school fees of their children. Even now Ida is rejoicing that her daughter passed her exams and is now able to move to Senior 5. We rejoice with her! Oh great Jehovah, Provider…husband to the widow, open up opportunities for the children of these women to be in school. We thank you for the sponsors we have so far and pray for many more to come. We also ask that you open up scholarships and other sources of funding for these dear children. I also remember that you can do more than we can ask or imagine, so we will await your provision and praise you when it comes!
I am remembering the prayer you prayed for us when you were last here. You prayed that we would be unified and that we would love each other, so that the whole world would know that love was your deepest desire. Lord, please teach us to love each other. The widows of the Dorcas Widows Ministry want to be unified and to be great lovers of people. Where there is jealousy…root it out. Where there is disharmony…create peace. Where there is mistrust…speak your truth. Most of all, give us a deep abiding love for each other. Help us reflect your unity…your joy and more importantly you love.
Thank you for your love for us. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for your tender healing. I love you Jesus and I love following you. I just love being with you.
Hey Lord…Do you see me here? I want to sing a song for you…something altogether beautiful…full of joy! Here I am hiding in your shadow, clutching the bottom of your cloak…following behind you. I wanted to be where you are…go where you are going and to see what you will see today. I just want to be with you. Spending time with you is always so peaceful…so exciting…so thought provoking…so easy. Our intimacy knows no boundaries. We are always discovering new things about each other…learning new ways to love each other. Your love for me always heals my wounds, gives power to my dreams and creates peace amidst the chaos.
It is in these tender moments that I let my heart open completely and pour out all my hopes, fears, joys and sorrows. Today as I talk to you I am remembering my dear friends…the women we love with such great ferocity and abandon.
I am remembering Ida, Jaja, Obia and Jane. They have struggled with pain and sickness for months now. They love you and call out to you to be their healer. HIV is eating away at their bodies and they seem powerless to fight it. But, you, my compassionate friend, can give them mercy and healing. You can encourage them in their deepest places. Tell them that their bodies are only temporary…their affliction will only last for a night, but your rest…your healing will last for all of eternity. Lord, my friends are crying…my friends are in pain…my friends are weak. You say that you are strong in our weaknesses, so send your great strength to them. I want to see your beauty in their lives…your strength in their weakness.
I am remembering Josephine, Susan and Betty. They have all lost someone they love recently to the grave. They are grieving and pouring out their sadness to your listening ear. Betty is weak in spirit and body and is lost in her despair over losing her granddaughter. Her heart aches and she wonders how she will go on living. Susan lost her mother last week and is nursing her gravely ill sister as well. She feels overwhelmed with grief, despair and exhaustion. Will her suffering ever see an end? Josephine lost her coworker and her friend. Her heart is left with a gaping hole where her friend’s laughter and love used to be. Lord, you long to comfort your people. Reach your arms around them and shower them with love. Lead them beside the path of grief and with your gentle healing hand turn their mourning into rejoicing. When they lose all their strength and their tears cannot be stopped give them your tender comfort and your magnificent strength.
I am remembering all the widows who are looking for school fees for their children. These women long to give their children a hope and a future…one where poverty cannot find them and where they can become all that God has created them to be. It is the deepest cry of their heart to pay the school fees of their children. Even now Ida is rejoicing that her daughter passed her exams and is now able to move to Senior 5. We rejoice with her! Oh great Jehovah, Provider…husband to the widow, open up opportunities for the children of these women to be in school. We thank you for the sponsors we have so far and pray for many more to come. We also ask that you open up scholarships and other sources of funding for these dear children. I also remember that you can do more than we can ask or imagine, so we will await your provision and praise you when it comes!
I am remembering the prayer you prayed for us when you were last here. You prayed that we would be unified and that we would love each other, so that the whole world would know that love was your deepest desire. Lord, please teach us to love each other. The widows of the Dorcas Widows Ministry want to be unified and to be great lovers of people. Where there is jealousy…root it out. Where there is disharmony…create peace. Where there is mistrust…speak your truth. Most of all, give us a deep abiding love for each other. Help us reflect your unity…your joy and more importantly you love.
Thank you for your love for us. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for your tender healing. I love you Jesus and I love following you. I just love being with you.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A Prayer For Those We Love
“Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well: the Lord will raise him up.” James 5: 13-15
Recently, I received some prayer requests from the widows. So here I am on my knees in God’s throne room beseeching Him on their behalf. Please join me if you can…
Here I am Father…it’s me…I’ve come to see you, spend time with you and to enjoy you. There is no one else like you…You are the most powerful being in the universe and yet you are so incredibly tender. In your eyes, I am beautiful and in my eyes you one that loves me the best. You see my potential and create opportunities for my success. You forgive me when I hurt you; and when I deserve judgment, you give me mercy instead. Our relationship is so intimate, so vulnerable and yet so safe. You long to be with me as I long to be with you. So, here I am snuggled up close to you…relaxed in the safety of your love and peace. I love to bask in the glow of your love. It warms me to the core. As I lay my head against you and let our love for each other wash over me, I want to tell you what is on my heart.
I am not here today to talk about me. Today my tears are for my friends…the other women you so tenderly love. Lord, your widows are crying…
Oh, my great healer, Jane is so very sick. AIDS and TB are wreaking havoc in her body causing her great pain and suffering. She is in desperate need of your healing. All it would take is one word from your mouth, yet I bow my will for her life to yours. Lord, she has been in and out of the hospital in the last two weeks. Her body is fighting, but she is losing her strength and she is scared that this is the end. Please go to her…comfort her…if you are leading her home, take her by the hand and show her every step of the way. Give her peace amidst her suffering. Give her relief from the constant pain. You promise to be with us always…so be with her…don’t leave her.
Oh, my Great Lover, she is not the only one who is sick. Ida is also suffering as HIV weakens and destroys her body. She is confined to her bed and wondering where you are. My great love…please go to her and shower her with love…flood your love in such a great torrent around her that she drowns in your love for her. Her medicine makes her nauseous and feverish. Lord, these new medicines she is taking are not working. They are making her feel worse. Oh, God of Justice, please stand up for her. Send someone to give her the right medicine…medicine that creates health, not destroys it.
Oh, my provider, Rosemary has been evicted from her home and has nowhere to go. You and Rosemary are so close. Your love for each other is so evident her eyes. As her great provider…her husband…open up a place for her to live…put a roof over her head. Give Suzanne discernment in finding a new place for her. I give you the glory and honor for the people who have given to the Dorcas Widows Fund, as we now have money to find her a new place to live. Thank you for allowing us the stand in the gap with her. I love being your hands and feet!
Oh, my comforter, Betty is grieving the loss of her grand daughter. Sickness came like a thief in the night and stole her away. It was so sudden. First Betty lost her own child and now she has lost her grand child. Enough is enough. She is tired of grieving and of losing the ones she loves. Lord, she wonders why…why they had to die and yet she lives? She needs you to hold her while she weeps…to give her your complete comfort. Her sadness knows no end, yet you promise to turn our mourning into dancing. Through Betty’s mourning may she experience you in a powerful way…where she feels only weakness, may you surprise her with strength…where she feels only sadness, may you surprise her with joy…where she feels only loss and loneliness, may you surprise her with friends that love her!
Oh, giver of mercy, the widows are feeling so overwhelmed with all their daily responsibilities…paying school fees, getting food for their families to eat, paying house rent, getting simple supplies to live…sometimes it all seems too much to bear and they are in desperate need of your intervention. They are so tired…can you give them even some rest from this daily stress? I humbly ask you to move any heart in your care to help these women pay school fees for their children. Where someone has plenty…move them to give it to them. I want to be like you and love like you, so move me, move those I love and move those I don’t know to meet the needs of these women.
Well, my love, as you collect my tears remember who they were for. I am curled up next to you begging you to love these women and to move in a powerful way on their behalf. I know how powerful even one word from you mouth is…it can shake the very foundations of the earth. So, with that complete confidence in your ability to love and provide for these women, I leave these words in the palm of your hand. I love that I can trust you and believe wholly in your goodness and mercy.
Much love to my powerful warrior & my soul’s deepest lover,
Kari
Recently, I received some prayer requests from the widows. So here I am on my knees in God’s throne room beseeching Him on their behalf. Please join me if you can…
Here I am Father…it’s me…I’ve come to see you, spend time with you and to enjoy you. There is no one else like you…You are the most powerful being in the universe and yet you are so incredibly tender. In your eyes, I am beautiful and in my eyes you one that loves me the best. You see my potential and create opportunities for my success. You forgive me when I hurt you; and when I deserve judgment, you give me mercy instead. Our relationship is so intimate, so vulnerable and yet so safe. You long to be with me as I long to be with you. So, here I am snuggled up close to you…relaxed in the safety of your love and peace. I love to bask in the glow of your love. It warms me to the core. As I lay my head against you and let our love for each other wash over me, I want to tell you what is on my heart.
I am not here today to talk about me. Today my tears are for my friends…the other women you so tenderly love. Lord, your widows are crying…
Oh, my great healer, Jane is so very sick. AIDS and TB are wreaking havoc in her body causing her great pain and suffering. She is in desperate need of your healing. All it would take is one word from your mouth, yet I bow my will for her life to yours. Lord, she has been in and out of the hospital in the last two weeks. Her body is fighting, but she is losing her strength and she is scared that this is the end. Please go to her…comfort her…if you are leading her home, take her by the hand and show her every step of the way. Give her peace amidst her suffering. Give her relief from the constant pain. You promise to be with us always…so be with her…don’t leave her.
Oh, my Great Lover, she is not the only one who is sick. Ida is also suffering as HIV weakens and destroys her body. She is confined to her bed and wondering where you are. My great love…please go to her and shower her with love…flood your love in such a great torrent around her that she drowns in your love for her. Her medicine makes her nauseous and feverish. Lord, these new medicines she is taking are not working. They are making her feel worse. Oh, God of Justice, please stand up for her. Send someone to give her the right medicine…medicine that creates health, not destroys it.
Oh, my provider, Rosemary has been evicted from her home and has nowhere to go. You and Rosemary are so close. Your love for each other is so evident her eyes. As her great provider…her husband…open up a place for her to live…put a roof over her head. Give Suzanne discernment in finding a new place for her. I give you the glory and honor for the people who have given to the Dorcas Widows Fund, as we now have money to find her a new place to live. Thank you for allowing us the stand in the gap with her. I love being your hands and feet!
Oh, my comforter, Betty is grieving the loss of her grand daughter. Sickness came like a thief in the night and stole her away. It was so sudden. First Betty lost her own child and now she has lost her grand child. Enough is enough. She is tired of grieving and of losing the ones she loves. Lord, she wonders why…why they had to die and yet she lives? She needs you to hold her while she weeps…to give her your complete comfort. Her sadness knows no end, yet you promise to turn our mourning into dancing. Through Betty’s mourning may she experience you in a powerful way…where she feels only weakness, may you surprise her with strength…where she feels only sadness, may you surprise her with joy…where she feels only loss and loneliness, may you surprise her with friends that love her!
Oh, giver of mercy, the widows are feeling so overwhelmed with all their daily responsibilities…paying school fees, getting food for their families to eat, paying house rent, getting simple supplies to live…sometimes it all seems too much to bear and they are in desperate need of your intervention. They are so tired…can you give them even some rest from this daily stress? I humbly ask you to move any heart in your care to help these women pay school fees for their children. Where someone has plenty…move them to give it to them. I want to be like you and love like you, so move me, move those I love and move those I don’t know to meet the needs of these women.
Well, my love, as you collect my tears remember who they were for. I am curled up next to you begging you to love these women and to move in a powerful way on their behalf. I know how powerful even one word from you mouth is…it can shake the very foundations of the earth. So, with that complete confidence in your ability to love and provide for these women, I leave these words in the palm of your hand. I love that I can trust you and believe wholly in your goodness and mercy.
Much love to my powerful warrior & my soul’s deepest lover,
Kari
Monday, January 5, 2009
Another Atypical New Year’s letter: Love’s Freedom
The Way I Was Made
Performed by Chris Tomlin
“Arriving”
“…Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today would be the day I go free
I want to live like there is no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one is around
I want to sing like nobody is listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the “man” I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made”
Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life”
~Music and lyrics by Chris Tomlin
Ever since I read the famous children’s story, “The Velveteen Rabbit” I have marveled at how the rabbit became real. That stuffed bunny wanted to live and move and eat and play just like a real live rabbit. He wanted it so much it almost drove him crazy with desire, but even so he wanted to love the boy more than he wanted his freedom. So it was an incredible turn of events that in loving the boy with all that he had he became real. No longer was he a stuffed animal sitting on the boy’s bed…a mere plaything, he was real…alive…able to move at his own will…able to choose where to go and when. It was a deep glorious freedom he had never known before. In loving this boy with his entire being he had somehow released himself from the bondage of cotton stuffing, buttons and faded satin and became his truest self…the one he was meant to be.
I love Chris Tomlin’s song “The Way I Was Made” because it is a declaration of freedom. It is a demand to be released from all that tries to hold us to being tame…to being fearful…to being less than we were made to be. In fact the fist time I heard it my soul screamed the lyrics from somewhere deep within me. I remember being alone in my house shouting these lyrics at the top of my lungs longing for the day, just like the rabbit, when I would be real…alive…free…I would be exactly who God made me to be. No more pretending, no more holding myself back, no more trying to look the part, no more fear. Love was the deepest cry of my heart in 2008 and in learning to love, I have been led to freedom. Sweet, glorious, beautiful, exhilarating freedom which interestingly only exists as you love and are loved.
“I want to live like there is no tomorrow”
I lived most of 2008 in Kampala, Uganda. Amidst a world in financial crisis when it seemed holding on tightly to what you have was the best way to proceed, I sold my home, I left my job, I gave some of my furniture away and I bought a plane ticket to Kampala to be with the ones I love. Over the last two years, I have fallen in love with some beautiful women who happen to be widows…who happen to be poor…and many of who happen to be sick. But, I just know them as Joyce, Aida, Josephine, Margaret, Jane, Rebecca, Ruth, Rosemary…I could go on and on. Each woman is so unique and a treasured friend. I wanted to live with them and know them deeply. We loved each other and grew intimate friendships. When I left the US, I didn’t care whether my financial world would come crumbling down around my ears or if my job would still be there, I just wanted to live…to breathe in God’s great beauty…to become intoxicated on love…to swim in an ocean of peace. To live like my friends did…fully in the moment resting in the knowledge that God is big enough to provide for my needs. I squeezed every drop of life out of every day and I lived like there was no tomorrow.
“I want to dance like no one is around, I want to sing like nobody is listening”
Every Tuesday, I met the ladies at Logogo Baptist Church. I remember speeding through Kampala on the back of a motorbike (Boda Boda) not wanting to miss a minute of our time together and especially not wanting to be late. Whenever any of us arrived late to the meeting, we would have to dance for the rest of the group. I had, so far, not had to endure this comical “punishment,” but on more than one occasion I had watched several of the women dance and sing for the rest of the group. It always ended in hilarious fits of laughter, but since I didn’t know the dances to begin with I wanted to make sure I was never late.
As I sat on the back of the Boda Boda, I realized that I was not going to make it on time. I would have to dance, I would have to sing and there would be an audience. Yikes! When I arrived, I walked sheepishly towards them smiling my best, “please don’t make me dance and sing in front of all these people” smile. Suddenly, Joyce and Josephine were at my side hugging and welcoming me, for a moment I thought they may have forgotten; but then Joyce said with a gleam in her eye, “We are all so excited to watch you dance.” I took a deep breath, exhaled and then looked around to see who was watching. We were out in the middle of the compound so I was easily seen by the people walking by the church, every Bible study group in the adjacent rooms and the men constructing the new bathrooms on the property.
Suddenly, I smiled a great big smile and took a big leap of faith. Instead of fear, I chose freedom. I shook every part of my body that would shake and I started to sing, “Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me the Bible tells me so” at the top of my lungs. As you would imagine, a white woman with no rhythm and a tone deaf ear was quite a site to see. As I looked up I saw the women laughing and holding their sides, but I also saw them rising. Suddenly we were all dancing and I was doing my best to copy their moves. Josephine then began to sing praise songs in Luo. Before I knew it I was dancing with wild abandon and singing in a language I didn’t know at the top of my lungs. About a half hour into it, we had quite a large group of onlookers, but I didn’t care. I was enveloped in joy. It was bursting out of my mouth, my fingers, my arms, my feet, my legs and yes, even my hips. I laughed until my sides hurt and my cheeks ached, but I kept dancing and singing. At that moment, HIV, hunger, pain, loss, grief held no power over us, we were awash in joy! We were free!
“I want to give like I have plenty”
When I arrived in Kampala in February of last year, I made a conscious decision to give my money away to whoever needed it whenever I felt God telling me to do so. I didn’t tell anyone what I had decided nor did I want anyone to know it was from me, so I told them it was from the Dorcas Widows Fund, which at that time did not have an emergency fund. I wanted to see what God could do in the lives of those I loved if I treated money as something to give instead of something to keep.
Not long after I had arrived, I went to see Rosemary. She had sores all over her tongue making it difficult to talk and sores on her legs making it difficult to walk. She was in constant pain and had not been able to work in months. She also had a raging case of diabetes. Other widows were giving her and her family food in order to survive, but she was in desperate need of house rent and food. My heart broke for the pain my friend was enduring. It was my honor and privilege to give her enough to pay her back house rent and to buy groceries. Then Agnes called. Agnes is no more than 90 pounds and in a more advanced stage of AIDS. She had not eaten for a couple days and borrowed her neighbors phone to call me for help. I was able to provide some food and medical care for her. Soon, I was giving often and allowing God to break my heart for his beloved widows. I used to wrestle with God about how he could allow these women to be so destitute…so sick…so poor, until I realized that I was the one who knew them…who loved them…who could help meet some of their needs. He sent me to love them and to give them what God had given me. God had blessed me with a job and a savings account so I could bless them…simple Kingdom economics.
The trips to the ATM were no longer about me and what I wanted, but about who I could bless this week. God was using my money to quite literally save lives. That’s when I realized the money I had access to was not mine, it was what God has entrusted to me for my use and for the use of his kingdom. When I realized that I became fearless in giving. I gave all the money I had in my wallet at times, saving only coins to ride the bus home. Finally, I was free…money had no hold on me. I could have it and use it or give it and walk home, either way I gained this intense sense of life at it’s fullest.
It was then that Lisa, my friend from home and overseer of my bank accounts, began to see my savings dwindle. When she asked what I was doing with all the money, I was hesitant to tell her at first, but was itching to tell someone about what God was doing with all this money. As I told her how God was meeting the needs of these women, she told me that others may want to join my little revolution too. She also wanted to give away her money and watch God do amazing things. Thus, the Dorcas Widows Emergency Fund was born in late March. Now our fund provides emergency feeding, house rent, medical care and school fees. Thanks to many of you who have wanted to give with abandon, the Dorcas Widows Fund continues to help dozens of women in crisis.
“I want to love like I’m not afraid”
Over the last year I have fallen deeply in love. My whole heart and mind have become consumed with the very nature of love. With some fear and trembling, I have ventured deep into love’s unknown territory past the superficial love so common to our world and into the vulnerable places I once feared to go. In doing so I had to leave everything I had once used to protect my heart and instead continue the journey completely naked with only the great lover of my soul to protect me. It was risky to so completely expose myself to pain, heartache, and disappointment knowing that I could easily be wounded and scarred for life. So many times, I thought about turning back. I wanted to run at top speed and go back to that place where I wore the protective armor around my heart. Yet every time fear tried to beckon me back to safety, Jesus held my hand tight and walked me into love’s deeper places. I began to see that love is wider and deeper than I ever imagined and at its core exists a fierce wildness that cannot be tamed. It is both intoxicatingly beautiful and incredibly powerful. You are completely vulnerable, yet in that vulnerability there is great peace. It isn’t safe, but it is tender and full of compassion.
Chris Tomlin’s lyric found a home in my heart as I realized how well it communicated my deepest longing about this love that I have been experiencing. I want to love without fear…knowing the danger, but not fearing it. Knowing that love is the place where God’s spirit resides and where fear has no real power. Knowing full well that I will, at times, be wounded, but knowing in an even deeper place that the author of love will heal those wounds or use those scars to increase my capacity to give and receive His great beautiful love.
I love Jane and Jane loves me. I met her over a year ago and at our first meeting I was taken aback at how sick she was. She was no more than 90 pounds, frail and emotionally distraught. Her skeletal frame labored to breathe. Every few minutes she spit mucus into her handkerchief. AIDS and TB had taken residence inside of her and were wreaking tremendous havoc leaving her a mere shell of the person she once was. She was too sick to work, so her children were drinking tea or watered down porridge to stay alive. I remember her standing in front of me, shaking, sobbing, and begging the other widows to help feed her children. I had never seen such raw despair. I had never seen someone so sick and in so much misery. My first reaction was to step back, however shameful that is to admit, I wanted to run from it, to close my eyes and erase that painful memory from my mind. Fear gripped my heart and whispered in my ear, “Don’t get close to her. It will be uncomfortable for you. She will become a burden to you. She will beg from you constantly. She will die someday….can you really handle that? Are you strong enough to watch someone die?”
Later, when my mind settled and fear decided that his work was done for the day, a still small quiet voice whispered another message in my ear, “I tried to show you love today. I tried to show you how big and beautiful love is, but you refused to see it. Fear lied to you and you believed him. There is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved, but to experience it you have to stop protecting your heart…you have to stop weighing the cost…you have to stop imagining the pain it may cause you…instead you have to trust in my love for you…trust that I will protect you…and trust that love is worth the cost you may have to pay.” Immediately, a feeling of shame washed over me, I had come to Uganda to learn how to love like Jesus loves and instead I had refused the opportunity to love the woman Jesus loves. I cried that night over my own weakness and selfishness, but a small seed was planted that day in my soul…a small courage began to bubble up…with deep trembling I decided to reach out for the hand of Jesus and let him teach me how to love.
This last year, I went to her home almost every week and at times several times a week. We talked about everything from Ugandan politics to her first kiss under the mango tree. I learned that she loved to cook…something she learned from her late mother and that she has an incredibly artistic eye. She loves creating the beaded jewelry because it gives her an outlet to create true works of art. In quieter moments, she revealed that she deeply loves her children and wants to give them everything she possibly can. It is incredibly painful for her to know that she may never live long enough to see her children graduate from high school, get married or have children of their own. She feels deep guilt over the inevitability of leaving them orphans. Being an orphan herself she knows intimately the pain they will pass through. She was overwhelmingly grateful for the sponsor I found for her children. Now she was resting easier knowing that no matter what happens to her, her children will still be able to go to school. I also began to share my own joys and sorrows with her. I told her intimate things about myself. I let her know me deeply and completely. Sometimes, I cried over my own pain as she held me and prayed with me. Suddenly, I realized one day that I loved her…I really truly loved her.
My love for her is real and deep. She is an amazing woman full of wisdom, love, patience and great courage. She is compassionate and unbelievably generous. Yet I know that she lives with an incurable disease. One day AIDS will take her from me and I will mourn and not be comforted. I will scream in agony and shed a thousand tears. It is a deep pain that I know is coming. It is a wound that will pierce a tender place in my heart and I have nothing to protect myself. Everything I once feared will come to pass, but not in the way I thought. Now I consider it pure joy to pay medical bills for my friend. I am elated to take care of her children and give them what they need to survive. Yes, I will watch her die, and it is more painful than words can express, but the love I have experienced with her is worth it. She is worth it. This love between us is powerful, beautiful, intoxicating, uncontrollable and incredibly tender. It will leave me with a scar, but I am confident that God will use it for his glory. Even though Jane will die, love will live.
“I want to be the “man” I was meant to be. I want to be the way I was made”
This year I lived like there was no tomorrow, I danced like no one was around, I sang like no one was listening, I gave like I had plenty and I loved even though at times I am still afraid. With many apologies to Chris Tomlin, I became the woman I was meant to be and got a taste of being the way I was made…of living the life I was meant to live. Love made it all possible…love makes each moment worth living, it is the music we dance to, it is the song we sing, the reason we give…and that perfect love drives out all fear allowing us to love others deeply from the heart. Living a life so devoted to love allows me to live as my truest self…the way I was meant to be. As I have become enveloped in love I have experienced total and complete freedom and it is exihirating!!
So this is the place I find myself as 2009 begins. If you see me around you know the anthem my heart will be singing and I invite you to sing along.
Performed by Chris Tomlin
“Arriving”
“…Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today would be the day I go free
I want to live like there is no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one is around
I want to sing like nobody is listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the “man” I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made”
Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life”
~Music and lyrics by Chris Tomlin
Ever since I read the famous children’s story, “The Velveteen Rabbit” I have marveled at how the rabbit became real. That stuffed bunny wanted to live and move and eat and play just like a real live rabbit. He wanted it so much it almost drove him crazy with desire, but even so he wanted to love the boy more than he wanted his freedom. So it was an incredible turn of events that in loving the boy with all that he had he became real. No longer was he a stuffed animal sitting on the boy’s bed…a mere plaything, he was real…alive…able to move at his own will…able to choose where to go and when. It was a deep glorious freedom he had never known before. In loving this boy with his entire being he had somehow released himself from the bondage of cotton stuffing, buttons and faded satin and became his truest self…the one he was meant to be.
I love Chris Tomlin’s song “The Way I Was Made” because it is a declaration of freedom. It is a demand to be released from all that tries to hold us to being tame…to being fearful…to being less than we were made to be. In fact the fist time I heard it my soul screamed the lyrics from somewhere deep within me. I remember being alone in my house shouting these lyrics at the top of my lungs longing for the day, just like the rabbit, when I would be real…alive…free…I would be exactly who God made me to be. No more pretending, no more holding myself back, no more trying to look the part, no more fear. Love was the deepest cry of my heart in 2008 and in learning to love, I have been led to freedom. Sweet, glorious, beautiful, exhilarating freedom which interestingly only exists as you love and are loved.
“I want to live like there is no tomorrow”
I lived most of 2008 in Kampala, Uganda. Amidst a world in financial crisis when it seemed holding on tightly to what you have was the best way to proceed, I sold my home, I left my job, I gave some of my furniture away and I bought a plane ticket to Kampala to be with the ones I love. Over the last two years, I have fallen in love with some beautiful women who happen to be widows…who happen to be poor…and many of who happen to be sick. But, I just know them as Joyce, Aida, Josephine, Margaret, Jane, Rebecca, Ruth, Rosemary…I could go on and on. Each woman is so unique and a treasured friend. I wanted to live with them and know them deeply. We loved each other and grew intimate friendships. When I left the US, I didn’t care whether my financial world would come crumbling down around my ears or if my job would still be there, I just wanted to live…to breathe in God’s great beauty…to become intoxicated on love…to swim in an ocean of peace. To live like my friends did…fully in the moment resting in the knowledge that God is big enough to provide for my needs. I squeezed every drop of life out of every day and I lived like there was no tomorrow.
“I want to dance like no one is around, I want to sing like nobody is listening”
Every Tuesday, I met the ladies at Logogo Baptist Church. I remember speeding through Kampala on the back of a motorbike (Boda Boda) not wanting to miss a minute of our time together and especially not wanting to be late. Whenever any of us arrived late to the meeting, we would have to dance for the rest of the group. I had, so far, not had to endure this comical “punishment,” but on more than one occasion I had watched several of the women dance and sing for the rest of the group. It always ended in hilarious fits of laughter, but since I didn’t know the dances to begin with I wanted to make sure I was never late.
As I sat on the back of the Boda Boda, I realized that I was not going to make it on time. I would have to dance, I would have to sing and there would be an audience. Yikes! When I arrived, I walked sheepishly towards them smiling my best, “please don’t make me dance and sing in front of all these people” smile. Suddenly, Joyce and Josephine were at my side hugging and welcoming me, for a moment I thought they may have forgotten; but then Joyce said with a gleam in her eye, “We are all so excited to watch you dance.” I took a deep breath, exhaled and then looked around to see who was watching. We were out in the middle of the compound so I was easily seen by the people walking by the church, every Bible study group in the adjacent rooms and the men constructing the new bathrooms on the property.
Suddenly, I smiled a great big smile and took a big leap of faith. Instead of fear, I chose freedom. I shook every part of my body that would shake and I started to sing, “Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me the Bible tells me so” at the top of my lungs. As you would imagine, a white woman with no rhythm and a tone deaf ear was quite a site to see. As I looked up I saw the women laughing and holding their sides, but I also saw them rising. Suddenly we were all dancing and I was doing my best to copy their moves. Josephine then began to sing praise songs in Luo. Before I knew it I was dancing with wild abandon and singing in a language I didn’t know at the top of my lungs. About a half hour into it, we had quite a large group of onlookers, but I didn’t care. I was enveloped in joy. It was bursting out of my mouth, my fingers, my arms, my feet, my legs and yes, even my hips. I laughed until my sides hurt and my cheeks ached, but I kept dancing and singing. At that moment, HIV, hunger, pain, loss, grief held no power over us, we were awash in joy! We were free!
“I want to give like I have plenty”
When I arrived in Kampala in February of last year, I made a conscious decision to give my money away to whoever needed it whenever I felt God telling me to do so. I didn’t tell anyone what I had decided nor did I want anyone to know it was from me, so I told them it was from the Dorcas Widows Fund, which at that time did not have an emergency fund. I wanted to see what God could do in the lives of those I loved if I treated money as something to give instead of something to keep.
Not long after I had arrived, I went to see Rosemary. She had sores all over her tongue making it difficult to talk and sores on her legs making it difficult to walk. She was in constant pain and had not been able to work in months. She also had a raging case of diabetes. Other widows were giving her and her family food in order to survive, but she was in desperate need of house rent and food. My heart broke for the pain my friend was enduring. It was my honor and privilege to give her enough to pay her back house rent and to buy groceries. Then Agnes called. Agnes is no more than 90 pounds and in a more advanced stage of AIDS. She had not eaten for a couple days and borrowed her neighbors phone to call me for help. I was able to provide some food and medical care for her. Soon, I was giving often and allowing God to break my heart for his beloved widows. I used to wrestle with God about how he could allow these women to be so destitute…so sick…so poor, until I realized that I was the one who knew them…who loved them…who could help meet some of their needs. He sent me to love them and to give them what God had given me. God had blessed me with a job and a savings account so I could bless them…simple Kingdom economics.
The trips to the ATM were no longer about me and what I wanted, but about who I could bless this week. God was using my money to quite literally save lives. That’s when I realized the money I had access to was not mine, it was what God has entrusted to me for my use and for the use of his kingdom. When I realized that I became fearless in giving. I gave all the money I had in my wallet at times, saving only coins to ride the bus home. Finally, I was free…money had no hold on me. I could have it and use it or give it and walk home, either way I gained this intense sense of life at it’s fullest.
It was then that Lisa, my friend from home and overseer of my bank accounts, began to see my savings dwindle. When she asked what I was doing with all the money, I was hesitant to tell her at first, but was itching to tell someone about what God was doing with all this money. As I told her how God was meeting the needs of these women, she told me that others may want to join my little revolution too. She also wanted to give away her money and watch God do amazing things. Thus, the Dorcas Widows Emergency Fund was born in late March. Now our fund provides emergency feeding, house rent, medical care and school fees. Thanks to many of you who have wanted to give with abandon, the Dorcas Widows Fund continues to help dozens of women in crisis.
“I want to love like I’m not afraid”
Over the last year I have fallen deeply in love. My whole heart and mind have become consumed with the very nature of love. With some fear and trembling, I have ventured deep into love’s unknown territory past the superficial love so common to our world and into the vulnerable places I once feared to go. In doing so I had to leave everything I had once used to protect my heart and instead continue the journey completely naked with only the great lover of my soul to protect me. It was risky to so completely expose myself to pain, heartache, and disappointment knowing that I could easily be wounded and scarred for life. So many times, I thought about turning back. I wanted to run at top speed and go back to that place where I wore the protective armor around my heart. Yet every time fear tried to beckon me back to safety, Jesus held my hand tight and walked me into love’s deeper places. I began to see that love is wider and deeper than I ever imagined and at its core exists a fierce wildness that cannot be tamed. It is both intoxicatingly beautiful and incredibly powerful. You are completely vulnerable, yet in that vulnerability there is great peace. It isn’t safe, but it is tender and full of compassion.
Chris Tomlin’s lyric found a home in my heart as I realized how well it communicated my deepest longing about this love that I have been experiencing. I want to love without fear…knowing the danger, but not fearing it. Knowing that love is the place where God’s spirit resides and where fear has no real power. Knowing full well that I will, at times, be wounded, but knowing in an even deeper place that the author of love will heal those wounds or use those scars to increase my capacity to give and receive His great beautiful love.
I love Jane and Jane loves me. I met her over a year ago and at our first meeting I was taken aback at how sick she was. She was no more than 90 pounds, frail and emotionally distraught. Her skeletal frame labored to breathe. Every few minutes she spit mucus into her handkerchief. AIDS and TB had taken residence inside of her and were wreaking tremendous havoc leaving her a mere shell of the person she once was. She was too sick to work, so her children were drinking tea or watered down porridge to stay alive. I remember her standing in front of me, shaking, sobbing, and begging the other widows to help feed her children. I had never seen such raw despair. I had never seen someone so sick and in so much misery. My first reaction was to step back, however shameful that is to admit, I wanted to run from it, to close my eyes and erase that painful memory from my mind. Fear gripped my heart and whispered in my ear, “Don’t get close to her. It will be uncomfortable for you. She will become a burden to you. She will beg from you constantly. She will die someday….can you really handle that? Are you strong enough to watch someone die?”
Later, when my mind settled and fear decided that his work was done for the day, a still small quiet voice whispered another message in my ear, “I tried to show you love today. I tried to show you how big and beautiful love is, but you refused to see it. Fear lied to you and you believed him. There is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved, but to experience it you have to stop protecting your heart…you have to stop weighing the cost…you have to stop imagining the pain it may cause you…instead you have to trust in my love for you…trust that I will protect you…and trust that love is worth the cost you may have to pay.” Immediately, a feeling of shame washed over me, I had come to Uganda to learn how to love like Jesus loves and instead I had refused the opportunity to love the woman Jesus loves. I cried that night over my own weakness and selfishness, but a small seed was planted that day in my soul…a small courage began to bubble up…with deep trembling I decided to reach out for the hand of Jesus and let him teach me how to love.
This last year, I went to her home almost every week and at times several times a week. We talked about everything from Ugandan politics to her first kiss under the mango tree. I learned that she loved to cook…something she learned from her late mother and that she has an incredibly artistic eye. She loves creating the beaded jewelry because it gives her an outlet to create true works of art. In quieter moments, she revealed that she deeply loves her children and wants to give them everything she possibly can. It is incredibly painful for her to know that she may never live long enough to see her children graduate from high school, get married or have children of their own. She feels deep guilt over the inevitability of leaving them orphans. Being an orphan herself she knows intimately the pain they will pass through. She was overwhelmingly grateful for the sponsor I found for her children. Now she was resting easier knowing that no matter what happens to her, her children will still be able to go to school. I also began to share my own joys and sorrows with her. I told her intimate things about myself. I let her know me deeply and completely. Sometimes, I cried over my own pain as she held me and prayed with me. Suddenly, I realized one day that I loved her…I really truly loved her.
My love for her is real and deep. She is an amazing woman full of wisdom, love, patience and great courage. She is compassionate and unbelievably generous. Yet I know that she lives with an incurable disease. One day AIDS will take her from me and I will mourn and not be comforted. I will scream in agony and shed a thousand tears. It is a deep pain that I know is coming. It is a wound that will pierce a tender place in my heart and I have nothing to protect myself. Everything I once feared will come to pass, but not in the way I thought. Now I consider it pure joy to pay medical bills for my friend. I am elated to take care of her children and give them what they need to survive. Yes, I will watch her die, and it is more painful than words can express, but the love I have experienced with her is worth it. She is worth it. This love between us is powerful, beautiful, intoxicating, uncontrollable and incredibly tender. It will leave me with a scar, but I am confident that God will use it for his glory. Even though Jane will die, love will live.
“I want to be the “man” I was meant to be. I want to be the way I was made”
This year I lived like there was no tomorrow, I danced like no one was around, I sang like no one was listening, I gave like I had plenty and I loved even though at times I am still afraid. With many apologies to Chris Tomlin, I became the woman I was meant to be and got a taste of being the way I was made…of living the life I was meant to live. Love made it all possible…love makes each moment worth living, it is the music we dance to, it is the song we sing, the reason we give…and that perfect love drives out all fear allowing us to love others deeply from the heart. Living a life so devoted to love allows me to live as my truest self…the way I was meant to be. As I have become enveloped in love I have experienced total and complete freedom and it is exihirating!!
So this is the place I find myself as 2009 begins. If you see me around you know the anthem my heart will be singing and I invite you to sing along.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
WE HAVE LAND!!!
I am thrilled to share with all of you the latest and greatest of God’s miracles! As many of you know we have been looking for land for the Dorcas Widows since July 2007. The search has been long and taken us down many a winding road, however, we remained steadfast that God would, at the right time, provide just the right place. In late July this year (exactly one year after our search began), I went to look at a beautiful piece of land about 40 minutes outside of Kampala. It was 100 meters from the main road and the soil was rich and ready for planting. We immediately put in a bid and began to go through the process of bartering. During this process, another buyer came forward and offered to buy the whole 20 acre plot thus forcing us out of the running. At that point we were sorely disappointed that another exceptional piece of land had slipped through our fingers. However, about a month later, after I had returned to Minneapolis I received one of the best calls of my life.
Joyce, one my dearest widow friends (pictured above), called me and told me the most exciting news. She said that the buyers who wanted to acquire the whole 20 acres were not able to come up with the funds, so the sellers contacted our representative and asked if we were still interested in buying the property. After that it only took a week for us to purchase 2.85 acres of prime land in Matuuga. When Joyce told me that the land was now ours, I started to scream “yes, yes, yes!!” and she started to laugh uncontrollably. After over a year of waiting, God had given his widows a beautiful piece of property. We both laughed, cried and thanked God together. It was a thrilling moment and I will never forget it! (For those of you in Minneapolis, we will be having a bazzar/fundraiser next Sunday, Sept. 28th—come and hear more of the story!! Check www.dorcaswidows.org for details!)
As many of you know, I have physically returned back to Minneapolis, but my heart and my soul remain in Uganda with the women I love. However, one of the greatest blessings in being home has been to see how my partners in this ministry, Lisa Tschetter and Carol Daly Vogt have used their extraordinary spiritual gifts to create a structure and a solid base for The Dorcas Widows Fund. I have never seen God bring together a team so perfectly suited for each other and for this ministry. So, in this public forum, I wanted to thank them and tell them how much I love them both. God is doing mighty things through them, through me and through the ladies. I can almost feel it pulsing through my veins at times and I love it!
In being home, I have been asked so many thoughtful, interesting, creative questions about the Dorcas Widows Ministry, so I have decided to post a copy of an interview I did with an online magazine called Wrecked For The Ordinary (www.Wreckedfortheordinary.com). If you are one of the people who have loved these women through prayer or though financial giving, then please read my answers to these thoughtful questions. It may give you a better glimpse into the comprehensive nature of this ministry. Just scroll down and see if they asked me some of the questions you would have loved to ask me! It is a good window into what God has developed over the last year. Enjoy! If it raises any other questions, feel free to contact me at karimillermn@gmail.com
Interview questions:
Can you tell us a little bit about your ministry, Dorcas Widows Ministry, and your involvement with widows in Uganda? How did you get started? What do you do now?
I went to Kampala, Uganda in May 2007 not knowing what I would do or whom I would meet, but I knew I wanted to love the poor. I knew I wanted to learn what it means to follow the teachings of Jesus. After I arrived, I met a widow named Joyce who introduced me to the Dorcas Widows Ministry. The Dorcas Widows Ministry is a Ugandan based group for widows who have lost their husbands due to the war in northern Uganda, HIV/AIDS, malaria, TB, or other diseases. It is a support group that helps widows cope with the loss of their spouse and the devastating circumstances they find themselves in. I began to create friendships with these ladies and to learn about their challenges. I saw how hard they worked just to stay alive. I spent weeks visiting them in their homes, talking with them, praying with them and sharing my life with them. It was out of a deep love and friendship that our partnership began.
My involvement with them is and always has been one of friendship and love. I looked for ways to love my friends in their pain. Their biggest needs were feeding their children, paying school fees, house rent and medical costs. At first, I just gave my own money whenever I felt God nudge me to do so. I didn’t tell anyone, I just did it. As I began to tell the stories of my friends on my blog, other people began to email me and ask how they could help. Suddenly over a period of one month God had raised $20,000 for these women. I asked them what we should do with the money and they decided we should build a widow’s community where they could live rent-free and grow their own food. Still other donors began to give me money to help those in the most desperate circumstances, which is how our emergency fund began.
When I arrived back in Minneapolis in August of 2007, I knew I had to organize a better and more secure way of collecting donated money. So, with my best friend, we created the Dorcas Widows Fund. The Dorcas Widows Fund is an American based non-profit 501c(3) that financially supports the Dorcas Widows Ministry in the areas of income generation, emergency feeding, school fees and health care.
When I arrived back in Uganda in February 2008, I was so excited to see my widow friends again. It is the relationships we have that are the cornerstone of our partnership. In coming back, I have formalized our emergency fund program. When a widow is in a desperate situation, we help fill the gap for them by providing some emergency money. Most often we help women feed their children or pay medical expenses. It was out of one of the most critical emergency situations with a women in the end stages of HIV, that I first asked those that read my blog to consider paying school fees for this woman. A donor came forward to do so and that sparked others to support the children of other women who are HIV positive. So, in March of 2008, we began a school sponsorship component to our ministry. We now sponsor 13 children.
One of the most exciting things that has developed in the last 2 months has been the Beaded Jewelry business. The ladies are expert craftsmen at rolling slips of paper in beads and then creating beautiful jewelry from those beads. We sent some samples back to the states in March of 2008 in hopes of finding a market for the product. Since that time we have sold about a 1,000 beaded necklaces. Twice a week the ladies meet to roll beads and to pray for more business. God has so far begun to bless the work of their hands as we have had at least one order every week for the past two months. Every time the ladies receive their payment, they tithe 10% back to Jesus. It is like watching the widow put in her “mite’ every week. I see why Jesus thought it was so beautiful.
Since February, we have been actively looking for 3 acres of land to build our Dorcas Widows Community. Due to the fact that house rent is so expensive and that the government is removing them from the slums they live in, we are praying earnestly for a land of our own. This land will contain 30 simple homes for the widows to live in rent-free where they can grow their own food. We are also planning on building a community center where we can hold business seminars as well as other trainings. One of our most fervent prayers was to acquire a piece of land where the women could live without worrying about being chased away by a greedy landlords.
In essence, the Dorcas Widows Ministry seeks to love Jesus and follow his command to take care of widows and orphans in their distress. Our overall mission is to support the widows and children who are members of the Dorcas Widows Ministry in Kampala, Uganda in their journey from poverty to self-sufficiency. If you want to learn more about any of our projects, please check out our website www.dorcaswidows.org
How has your relationship with the widows changed over time? Have you seen a level of intimacy grow between you and the women?
When I first met these widows, I was so guarded. I wondered if it was even possible to have real friendships with women so completely different from me. What does an HIV positive woman in abject poverty have in common with a healthy woman from the wealthiest country on the planet? With a prejudice I didn’t even know I had, I doubted that real friendships would ever be possible. After all, their needs were so enormous, I was sure they would only see me as a gateway to money. So, I was loving “toward” them. I was kind. I listened and prayed with them. I gave them money when I thought it was appropriate. I even expected them to share their deep places with me, but I never let them into mine. I answered their attempts to know me with vague responses turning the questions back toward them. I was so sincere…I really thought I was loving them and protecting myself. After all, the prejudice inside me told me that if I revealed too much they would press me for money. In fact, for many months I kept my phone number from them. I thought I would be bombarded with calls begging me for help. I had this misguided belief that somehow I was their only hope for a better future. When I think of the woman I was just a few months ago, I want to shake her and scream at the top of my lungs, “YOU ARE MISSING IT! YOU DON’T HAVE AN INTIMATE LOVE, YOU ONLY HAVE AN IMITATION OF LOVE!!”
Slowly, God began to open my eyes to the prejudice that had a choke hold on my heart. All of a sudden I saw how grotesque it was. The barriers I thought I set up to protect myself were actually blocking the love I so desperately wanted to experience. As I moved among the women, I saw them sitting in doorways together engaged in deep conversation. I saw them entering each other’s homes to clean the infected wounds of the dying. These women seemed so close, so deeply connected. It was then that I realized that the love they had for each other was always just out of my reach. I had blocked myself from having any real relationships with them, so I was at that point destined to remain an outsider….a foreigner who had come to ‘help the poor.”
It was then that I decided to stop being a helper and start being a friend. Instead of vague answers, I shared my real thoughts. When they talked about the pain in their life, I also talked about mine. When they reminisced about their husband, I listened and laughed with them about the good times that had been. When my phone rang, I no longer braced myself for “a call for help”, but instead smiled as I saw the name of a friend flashing on the screen. More often than not, the ladies call just to say hello or to ask me how I’m doing. I now have several friends that call just to encourage me or to say that they are praying for me. The walls of my heart have now come down and I have laid myself open before these women and they have laid themselves open before me. They are not “the people I am helping,” they are my friends. They are people I like to spend time with. They are the people I call when I am in physical or emotional crisis. They are spiritual companions on my journey of faith. There is a depth to our relationship that wasn’t there before. There is a love that is growing that is intimate and real.
I have now developed many intimate friendships with women who are nothing like me. They are black and I am white. They are Acholi and I am American. They are incredibly poor and I am wealthy. They are sick and I am well. Yet these women hold a piece of my heart and I hold a piece of theirs. Our journeys are now intertwined. They don’t depend on me--we depend on each other. They aren’t calling me begging for help, I am calling them offering to stand with them in their place of need. I am not making appointments to talk to the widows—I am going to visit my friends in their homes. I am not loving “at” them anymore; instead I am just loving them. We are learning to intimately know each other. We show each other our strengths and weaknesses. We speak the truth to one another even when it’s hard. We encourage each other to trust that God is big enough to meet the needs we have. Most of all, we just like spending time together.
What have you learned from these women?
Love. I have learned to love and be loved, not that I have attained perfection in it –far from it, but I am a greater lover than I was before. I have opened my heart and my soul to these women and they have opened theirs to me. We make sacrifices for each other, putting our own needs and worries behind us, so we can give fully to the one in the most pain. Now when I see a need, I don’t give out of my excess, I give it all. When one of us is sick, we stop what we are doing and we go to them. We pray with each other in our deepest need and our deepest pain. I have learned that you can’t love “toward” someone; you can only love “with” someone. You can’t love without intimacy…without sharing your honest self. I’ve learned that love is about showing your weakness to another person, so that they can love you back. Receiving love is just as important as giving it. I’ve learned that where there is love, Jesus is there in powerful ways that I sometimes can’t even explain. Jesus said that the greatest of these is love and I have learned that he was telling the truth. For when you have love, you also have deep peace, joy and contentment.
What practical strides has the ministry taken to help the environment and physical situation of the widows?
Dorcas Widows Ministry practically helps the widows in the following ways:
• Emergency Funds: When a widow is unable to provide food or medical care for herself or her children, we give funds to provide those things for her.
• Scholarships for School children: We help find sponsors to pay school fees for the children the widows are caring for.
• Income Generation: We have formed two groups of widows who make beaded necklaces. We are finding markets to sell this jewelry in order to provide these women with more consistent income.
• Widows Community: We have just purchased 2.85 acres of land to form a widow’s community where the widows can live rent-free, grow their own food and receive business training at a community center.
• Encouragement: Members of the Dorcas Widows group take care of other members who are sick, praying with them, feeding them and getting them to a clinic.
How have their lives been affected spiritually?
The great thing about Jesus is that we have an opportunity to develop intimacy with him. Each of our love relationships with him will be unique…full of our own intimate secrets, pains and joys. Like a wife talking about her husband, we will share with others about the love we have for one another, but we will not reveal the deepest intimacy between us. It is somehow too special, too tender to share with any other person than our lover. Each of my widow friends has a unique love relationship with Jesus. Each lady has seen her heavenly husband do miraculous things for her and her children. When I look into their eyes as they discuss the love and faithfulness of God, I can sense that there is a greater intimacy between themselves and their savior than I will ever be privileged to know. All I can say is that becoming a widow in country where poverty is as common as seeing the sun rise every day either throws you into the arms of Jesus or into total despair and often times both. Some of my widow friends were lost in despair and alcoholism before being rescued by our Savior, while others have deepened their love relationship with Jesus as the grief washed over them. Even while all of them are in deep poverty and while most are suffering from HIV and other related illnesses, they still see a God that is good…that is kind…that is powerful…that is compassionate…that is a healer…that is a provider…that is an encourager…and most of all that is a lover.
How can we be a source of help for the marginalized women of northern Uganda?
My greatest dream is for people to see these widowed women not as “the marginalized women of Northern Uganda,” but as real people, unique people with personalities, hopes, fears, dreams, struggles, and joys. It is my hope that we would really know them…not as “the poor” or “the sick” but as our fellow sisters in Christ, as part of our extended spiritual family. That as fellow believers in Jesus, we would form a worldwide community with them where out of love and care for each other, we would give and receive as we have need or have plenty.
Here are the ways you can receive from my widowed friends:
• They make beautiful handcrafted beaded necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. You can purchase some if you wish. They are made from discarded paper that is rolled into differently shaped beads. If you wish to order any of these necklaces, you can contact Carol Daly Vogt at dalyvogt@hotmail.com
• They love to pray for you and to know you as much as you want to know them. You can read their stories on the Dorcas Widows web site: www.dorcaswidows.org If you would like us to pray for you please send your request to karimillermn@gmail.com
Here are the ways you can give to my widowed friends:
• You can donate to the Dorcas Widows Emergency Fund. The emergency fund provides money for widows in crisis. It often helps feed a family or pay for unexpected medical treatment due to illness. If you want to donate to that fund you can visit our website: www.dorcaswidows.org or email Lisa Tschetter at lisatschetter@comcast.net
• You can pay school fees for one or more of the widows children. A primary school student is about $150 a year and a secondary student is about $600 a year. These fees are impossible for these women to pay without assistance from a sponsor or an NGO. If you want to learn more about sponsoring a widow’s child through school, please contact Lisa Tschetter at lisatschetter@comcast.net
• You can donate to our Widow’s Community Project. We have already raised enough money to buy 2.85 acres of land and are hoping to build 30 homes and one community center on that property for the most disadvantaged widows to live in. Each house will cost approximately $10,000 to construct. If you are interested in donating or learning more about this project, please go to our web site (www.dorcaswidows.org) or contact Carol Daly Vogt directly at dalyvogt@hotmail.com
• Pray for them. Read their stories on the Dorcas Widows web site: www.dorcaswidows.org and commit to praying for them. If you have any encouraging words for them, you can send it to my email and I will share it with them. (karimillermn@gmail.com)
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